Law School for Dummies

David's final social media interraction

2012-02-01T17:43:00.001-05:00

Don't call it a comeback! (Because maybe I won't actually come back).

2012-01-26T10:46:00.004-05:00

After scrolling through and deleting over 900 spam comments, the majority of which were written in some sort of Chinaman symbol script (yes, yes--"Asian-American" is the preferred nomenclature, Dude), I have taken the first step towards getting this thing back in action.

Against all odds I am still employed, and there have been many other things going on, but I'm going to make an effort to get this thing cranking again (just like I have promised a few times before over the past ~5 years)...

Cheerio!

A little Facebook decorum, please!

2010-02-26T17:37:00.002-05:00

I should preface this post by assuring you that in the context in which the following FB comment appeared, it was most certainly written in seriousness.

With Facebook friends like these...

2010-01-29T16:12:00.008-05:00

Gosh, Daisy sure seems like a nice girl. Do you---do you think she really likes me?

The best part about this is that when I first received the request from this porn spam / identity theft bot, "she" had three friends. When I returned three minutes later to memorialize her for this blog post, she had 11. Of those 11, I'd bet six of these guys knew she was fake but figured "fuck it, at least now I can come back whenever I want and look at this twat shot."

By my calculations that leaves five dudes who might really think she's real and that maybe, if they play their cards right, they just might get to dive in... and of those, I'd say at least two pathetic colonoscopy bags who are so blinded by their own deluded self-absorption that they truly believe A) this sluttily appealing, morally bankrupt girl is real; and B) they are just "so money" that of the tens of millions of men on Facebook, she just can't contain her inhibitions and dreams of spreading her legs for THEM.

Which makes it all the more hilarious that they might surrender vital personal information in the process.

Who says the exodus to online journalism is dumbing down newspaper readership?

2010-01-22T09:45:00.003-05:00

I do. And apparently so does the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Enjoy the thrilling adventure of escaping slavery--from the comfort of your own living room!

2010-01-13T12:21:00.006-05:00

Monopoly? Not in this economy. Chutes & Ladders? Pfffft. Behold--Amazon.com has really hit a home run with this one!

Kudos on the artwork too. The black silhouettes (complete with hobo stick) tip-toeing for their lives. Also note the celebratory dance of freedom (or perhaps she's just been shot). And what a raw deal for all those slaves who missed out on what appears to have been the "Caribbean Cruise to Freedom" option. Thanks for nothing, Harriet Tubman!

Keep an eye out for other great games from Amazon, including Hungry Hungry Auschwitz Prisoners!

Thanks to Black Static for the heads-up.

Street sledding

2010-01-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

Proof that you don't have to be smart to be a lawyer (in case there was ever any doubt):

I'm BAAAAAAACK (for better or for worse)

2010-01-06T16:04:00.006-05:00

Although it is against my better professional judgment to once again take up the reigns of this rambling mess, I feel empty inside without it. Plus, the 120-character Twitter allotment isn't nearly enough room for the daily rants I have in my head.

It's been quite a journey since I began this blog in January 2007 in an effort to distract myself from the idea of suicide while I waited my first semester law school grades. But, law students everywhere, hear this: consider this proof that you too can get through law school (and maybe even with a decent GPA), graduate, get a job, and study for and pass the bar exam (all at a cost to you of a mere six-figure debt!). And if that doesn't sound like 3+ years of sexy fun, then I just don't know what sexy fun is anymore.

Someone recently accused me of being "the grumpiest Facebook status updater ever." I have been called this (and worse) by many people, and not just recently. And I kind of take a shine to it. But whatever the underlying psychological reasons may be, I need an outlet to bash the moronic things I encounter or observe on a daily basis... so let's get to it.

A sportswriter / general shennanigan-haver pal Twittered today regarding the Gilbert Arenas suspension:

"Arenas suspended indefinitely. That sound you hear is Earl Boykins crawling out of a duffle bag."

Question

2009-02-25T20:43:00.004-05:00

How is it that this blog gets over 100 hits / day yet no longer gets any effin comments? I realize 75% of these hits are from random bozos surfing the web from the far removed third world crannies of the earth, but for shit's sake, a little love every now and then from the rest of you dicksneezes wouldn't hurt. I saw an entry earlier today where some girl blogged about how she tried putting her fucking bangs on the other side of her face, and even she had 7 comments.

Even Justices appreciate a little "hey, nice job, fuck your mother" every once in a while. Slut tards.

The email I've been waiting for

2009-02-25T12:19:00.004-05:00

I've been sitting around for years waiting for the medical science world to team up with the postal service to provide me with the peace of mind that comes with boner pill confidentiality.

Finally--that day has arrived!

Fun with forwards

2009-02-16T21:40:00.003-05:00

You've probably seen these before, but I'll be G.D.'d if they ain't worth another gander.

Plus, this way I don't have to spend precious TV watching time thinking up some witty shit to write.

New Year's Resolution no. 1: No more chicken blood martinis

2009-02-02T23:43:00.007-05:00

BEWARE. Apparently salmonella is no longer all fun and games!!! In addition to high fever, muscle cramping, and bloody diarrhea, it also has some negative side effects.

Living the 3L dream

2008-11-16T21:38:00.005-05:00

ATTENTION 1Ls--right now you may be freaking the fuck out about exams. That's natural. I'm not here to offer advice right now (although there are several other posts here that deal with that, such as this one) but I promise it gets much, much better.

Be glad you aren't graduating yet. The legal job market is in shambles right now and by the time you graduate things should be on an upswing (hell--they couldn't possibly get worse). I am living proof that the pressure of law school is virtually nonexistent after year two (and really, after your third semester). Look at my current situation: the MPRE is over (although there's a damn good chance I'll have to retake it in March). My Trial Practice class is over (we won our trial. Bitch.). My Pretrial Practice class is also over. I only have two exams--one on Dec. 9 and one on Dec. 16. So hang in there kids, it all gets better...

Of course, then you have entirely new concerns, like getting a job and passing the bar exam. But you have plenty of other things to worry about between now and then.

In the meantime, here's a pearl to keep you from completely losing any sense of humor you had before law school. (Pssssst: you'll need to find that sense of humor again for job interviews and summer positions!):

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_m an_submits_drawing.php

Oh yeah... did I mention I'll be in Costa Rica for Thanksgiving break? YEEKBONE!!!

Anxiety abounds

2008-11-03T09:56:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow could (should) be one of the most glorious days in history. I'm poll-watching in a quasi-rural area in a traditionally red state so I'll be up at 5:30am, which I kind of regret already, but I had to so something to be a part of this one.

I'll also just be happy to have all this political diarrhea off the airwaves. Cheese and crackers I'm getting sick of this nonsense.

CHAAAAAAAAAAAANGE!!!

Fuckrockets!!! This is what happens when you have no class on Friday

2008-10-24T03:35:00.003-04:00

No Friday class = Thursday nights of drinking.

Drinking = drunkeness = hunger, then home.

Drunk at Home = corndogs!

Unopened corn dog box + butcher knife (recently sharpened)

=

An Enthralling Update!

2008-10-20T00:41:00.003-04:00

"My friends,"

I'm currently dividing my time between class (2-3 per day, none on Fridays), catching up on the entire first 3 seasons of "Heroes," battling my dog for the best spot on the couch, staring at the ceiling in my apartment, drinking beer and gin & tonics, and playing Tiger Woods and Mario Kart on Wii.

Also, a little gem to share. In my trial practice class last week, a guy who had his criminal defendant client on direct, and was supposed to be advancing a theory of self-defense, proceeded to ask her "so tell me, then Ms. Williams: what did you then do with the murder weapon?"

On a more important note, John McCain and Miss Dumbass are frantically panicking on a sinking ship, and it's beautiful to see this country choosing a leadership duo in Obama / Biden that recognizes it does in fact matter that there are other countries in the world--quite a few of them, in fact--and that it's probably not a bad idea to try to get along with them.

bleh.

2008-10-01T18:57:00.003-04:00

I have no excuse. I have an embarrassingly light, easy schedule and (praise Jesus!) a job lined up. I have so much free time it's obscene. In fact, I should really be writing three times as much as I have the past two years. Is it possible that I've become so lazy that I'm actually putting off procrastinating?

One thing I do know is that Sarah Palin is so stupid it's scary, and John McCain always looks to me like somebody's drunk, rambling great uncle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

2008-08-17T15:49:00.003-04:00

I'll be getting revved up again this week. Until then, enjoy this gem from Flight of the Conchords.

Fun with Vanity Plates

2008-07-25T09:26:00.004-04:00

Everyone knows that "vanity plate people" are a special breed of idiot. It takes an almost unfathomably inflated sense of self-importance for someone to actually put a message about himself on his license plate.

The good thing is that a vanity plate also serves as an instant warning that the person behind the wheel has the driving skills of an autistic blindfolded lemur, due largely to the fact that they feel the road is their own personal space and you are merely an unwanted guest there.

Driving down the highway the other day, however, I saw one that really twisted my brain. At first glance I thought perhaps it belonged to a female porn star, or maybe just a slut, or perhaps someone who just enjoyed being kind to others. As I drove by, however, I saw that it was a frail Indian kid leaning back in full douche regalia--sunglasses, spiked hair that could pop a volleyball, unbuttoned dress shirt (w/ standard gold chain), and of course, cellphone glued to his face.

I promise you I'm not kidding, this is precisely what it said:

Now admittedly, I don't speak Hindi--it's entirely possible that this means "Rich Playa Man" or something equally awesome in Bangalore.

Unfortunately for the cool customer showing off this plate, on the streets of America it means you are proudly announcing your desire (or ability) to diddle on the skin flute of every other male driver on the road.

Obviously this is just a big misunderstanding.

2008-07-22T09:40:00.001-04:00

Batman actor Christian Bale arrested over assault allegation

This is clearly a lie.

2008-07-22T09:21:00.004-04:00

Report: 'Batman' accused of assaulting mom, sister

LONDON — Batman star Christian Bale was to be questioned by police over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of his film, "The Dark Knight," British media reported Tuesday.

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.

Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday.

When asked Tuesday about the news reports, Scotland Yard said it was investigating an allegation referred to it by another police force but refused to say whether the incident involved Bale.

The Sun newspaper said police did not question Bale on Monday because they did not want to interfere with the premiere.

Bale's U.S.-based representatives did not immediately return messages seeking comment. Phone calls to Bale's London representative were not unanswered. [were not "unanswered?]

"It's Friday [the 13th], I'm in Love"

2008-07-17T10:31:00.006-04:00

I recently saw the Cure. They were sensational of course, but cripes--Robert Smith is not aging well. In fact, he bore a frightening likeness to someone you may recognize:

Easily the Best Summer Associate Perk I've Heard Yet

2008-07-08T16:32:00.004-04:00

Holy shite. As if it weren't enough that these fucks get paid $3k/wk even though they haven't even graduated yet, now there's this.

Yes, I'm jealous. Fucking bastards.

In honor of gay pride week: A Case Study in Gender Ambiguity

2008-07-07T12:15:00.006-04:00

Man or woman? Methinks I spy the beginnings of a soul patch, but there's no way this is a dude. Then again, it couldn't be a girl. I'm truly at a loss.

Moron of the Week: Classic eBay Degenerate

2008-07-03T11:01:00.006-04:00

You know the grown man who rides your ass when you're going 12 mph over, and then you see him in the rearview mirror flailing his arms, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming? Well I just had a fun exchange with him on eBay. Here's the actual copy of the emails--I shit you not, I did nothing to provoke this maniac--with a few of my own bracketed comments added in.

Enjoy!

--

Hello, I'll meet you and give you $120 cash for the tickets. Let me know if you can't get rid of them. Thanks!

-

NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. WE DON'T DO OFF-EBAY DEALS, AND WE DON'T ASK FOR BEST OFFERS. APPARENTLY YOU'RE A HALF.COM OR CRAIGSLIST CUSTOMER WITH LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR EBAY RULES--NOT TO MENTION, YOUR OFFER OF LESS THAN HALF OF ASKING PRICE, AND NOT EVEN FACE IS A RIDICULOUS JOKE! WE'VE FORWARDED YOUR EMAIL TO EBAY TRUST AND SAFETY DEPARTMENT IN HOPES OF YOU LEARNING A LITTLE OF HOW THE FAR LESS ARROGANT LIVE **[where did "arrogant" even come from??]. YOU'RE IN IT FOR YOU, SO DON'T LIE ABOUT HELPING ANYONE OUT OF THEIR TICKETS [I didn't], YOU SURELY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF. THE PRICE IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, AND IF WE CHOOSE TO GIVE THEM AWAY, IT WILL BE TO CHARITY LIKE WE ALWAYS DO----HEARD OF THAT? (OF COURSE NOT!) QUIT WASTING MY TIME!

-

Wow... Overreact much? Take a breath and grow up. An ethics lesson from a ticket scalper--now I've seen it all! I would suggest some serious psychological counseling.

Don't bother responding, I didn't read the first blabbering novel you sent. Also, your caps button seems to be stuck--but it sure makes you seem tough and scary. I'd wager dollars to doughnuts that you have a "W--still the president" sticker right above the vanity plate on your '94 Camaro.

Good luck selling your tickets for twice face value... The show isn't even sold out.

--

I USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M LEGALLY BLIND [oh, please] AND I CAN ALMOST READ IT---NOW IS THERE SOME REASON WHY EVERYTHING IN YOUR WORLD IS ALL ABOUT YOU? [where does he get this stuff?] WHAT A SELF-DELUDED ARROGANT FUCK YOU ARE! $280 ISN'T WORTH THE BOTHER, AND BOTTOMLINE, IT TRULY WAS MORE THAN YOU COULD AFFORD ANYWAY [wait--which one of us is arrogant again?], AND I ENJOY GIVING TO THE POOR. I DIDN'T OVERREACT [really?], I ONLY RESPONDED TO SOME BEGGING ASS BITCH WITH A TRAILER TRASH OFFER. IT'S THE SHIT LIKE YOU THAT MAKES EBAY A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR THE REST OF US, AND I'LL RESPOND ALL THE FUCK I WANT, GOT ME BITCH? [Complete psychological breakdown in 3... 2... 1...] THE LAST THING IN LIFE YOU WILL EVER BE IS MY SUPERIOR, UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S ANY MORE OF YOUR PSYCHOBABBLE! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE? IF I NEED ANY MORE OF YOUR OPINIONS, I'LL WIPE THEM OUT OF THE CRACK OF MY ASS! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE YOU ARE!...........AND BY THE WAY, IT WAS CONDESCENDING BASTARDS LIKE YOU WHO VOTED W IN TWICE TO BEGIN WITH! NOW IT'S MY TURN TO DISMISS YOU, I'LL BE DELETING WHATEVER SHIT YOU SEND FROM NOW ON, AND ALL YOU EBAY CRAP HAS BEEN BLOCKED AND BARRED FROM THIS AFTERNOON [really?...]. JUST PISS OFF AND GO AWAY!

--

This is fantastic! Keep it up, my entire office is in hysterics reading these forwards.

And speaking of forwarding emails, I think I'll let eBay have a gander at this one. Ticket scalping AND junior high-level profane insults? Saying you aren't too bright would be the understatement of the century.

You are a very sad little man and thinking about your life makes me depressed. Unfortunately for our relationship, I have a real job so I'm through responding. I do however encourage you to keep it up on your end as you check every thirty seconds to see if some fool is dumb enough to pay double face value for a show that isn't even sold out.

PS. I found a pair of tickets two rows behind yours for $30 each. Have a nice life!

--

JUST DON'T GET THE LEVEL OF ARROGANCE YOU PROJECT TO OTHERS, DO YOU? BUT I BET ALL THE LAUGHING OFFICE PEERS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT AN ASS YOU ARE! YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO EVERYTHING, YET YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO NOTHING ! CONFUSED, CONDESCENDING, ARROGANT, PROBABLY LEXUS DRIVING SELF-CENTERED BASTARD---I REALLY DO FEEL SORRY FOR A SPECK OF A MAN LIKE YOU...PATHETIC REALLY THAT YOU EVEN THINK I'D GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING YOUR BEGGING ASS HAS TO SAY--I DON'T, YET IT IS YOU WHO BEGS STRANGERS TO PAY FOR YOUR GOOD TIMES--I'M SURE YOUR FAMILY'S PROUD, BUT YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE SOMETHING ELSE, SAD REALLY! AND BY THE WAY, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE IRONICALLY ENTERTAINING, I RETIRED 8 yEARS AGO AND I CAN EASILY BUY AND SELL YOUR ARROGANT ASS LIKE THE POCKET CHANGE YOU ARE-THE MOST COMICAL PART OF THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE----NOW YOU REALLY DO NEED TO PISS OFF AND GO AWAY, YOU HAVE CEASED BEING LOW-BROW ENTERTAINMENT LITTLE BITCH!

[Apparently I hadn't actually ceased being low-brow entertainment for him, because I stopped responding, but he kept it up anyway]:

AND ONE LAST THING, I'M LEAVING FOR A 10AM TEE-TIME AT [local golf course--I can only imagine the meltdowns this guy must have out there], SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO CLICK EVERY 30 SECONDS TODAY AS YOU SO FALSELY ASSUME, SO GET BACK TO WORK AND SAVE THE DIATRIBE. WE'LL BE LEAVING TOMORROW MORNING FOR WIMBELDON WEEK, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO BANTER ABOUT WITH MY GRANDSON [Sweet Moses, a grandson???] IN MY ABSENCE WHILE YOU'RE STILL AT WORK. YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST A HOBBY [yeah, I hear ticket scalping is really catching on with the retired crowd these days], AND TWICE FACE IS CALLED KEYSTONE IN A RETAIL OPERATION AND IS USUALLY THE DESIRED MARKUP TO ACHIEVE [and with event tickets, it's called "illegal"], AND I AM JUST SO SURE THAT YOUR PLACE OF BUSINESS OPERATES AS A NON-PROFIT ENTITY [what does this even mean?]! AGAIN, WHAT A SCHMUCK YOU ARE! TORREY PINES 2 WEEKS AGO, WIMBELDON THIS WEEK, THE BRITISH OPEN MID JULY, NEED I GO ON, OR DO YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK [the only good point made in four emails]? IF I'M NOT PLAYING GOLF, I'M AT THE BOAT ON THE LAKE OR THE ONE IN KEY WEST [what is this, a Puff Daddy song?], SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO PISS OFF LIKE YOU WERE TOLD NOW [I actually stopped writing after your last email, genius]? AND PLEASE, LET EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE READ THIS, THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU, DUMBASS, NOT WITH YOU [I'd hazard a guess that this is not correct]!!!

--

A question for everyone here

2008-07-02T11:44:00.002-04:00

If you end up (or endED) up receiving and accepting an offer at the end of your second summer, how will / did it affect you 3L life? My schedule next semester is already fantastic (all req blocks out of the way; no class on Fridays), and my class ranking is more or less set in a good place. If I have a job lined up I can't imagine I'll be working very hard.

Thoughts?

Supreme Court rules death penalty unconstitutional for child rapists

2008-06-26T11:21:00.004-04:00

Which prompted a huge sigh of relief from this guy:

List of people you don't want representing you if you're facing a life sentence

2008-06-20T10:37:00.004-04:00

Number one on the list is this guy. This is actually the final video of a four-part series on Youtube. It's unbefuckinglievable how long this judge allows this to languish on (I think the first clip starts at around 10:30 or so). I'd venture to say 95% of judges would put an end to this nonsense within the first 90 seconds.

Nevada, I present to you your tax dollars at work!

Sweet holy Moses I can't even imagine how the client must feel during this floundering ordeal.

You really should only eat oxycontin in months that end with "R"

2008-06-13T13:25:00.004-04:00

I'm all for not jumping to conclusions about people solely on the basis of their physical appearance.

That being said, I could have taken one look at this guy and told you he was a fuckin criminal.

Restaurant owner accused of selling drugs with oysters

Charlie's Original Oyster King on South Main Street in Acworth serves up hot dogs, sandwiches and oysters made all kinds of ways.

But Acworth police say long-time owner Charles Lanzo was also serving up drugs and moonshine. He had some weapons on the side.

Lanzo and his wife, Frances, were arrested Tuesday after an undercover investigation that lasted several months, said Police Chief Michael Wilkie
Frances Lanzo was charged with illegal possession of drugs. When she was arrested police found five Alprazolam pills on her. The prescription drug is sold as Xanax and is used to treat depression.

Charles Lanzo was charged with felony possession of Ecstasy and Oxycontin and felony intent to distribute marijuana and cocaine. He was also charged with felony weapons possession.

Lanzo was charged with possession of non-taxed distilled spirits, a misdemeanor, for the 10 mason jars of moonshine found at the restaurant.

"It appears that Mr. Lanzo was selling a little bit of everything in addition to his oysters," Wilkie said. "We've heard complaints about this for quite some time, and we were finally able to successfully make a case against him."

When police raided the restaurant, they found 2.5 pounds of marijuana. Acworth Detective Mark Cheatham said the marijuana is worth about $1,500.

Police also found one "small teal green pill" of Ecstasy, 7 grams of cocaine, and several Oxycontin pills, according to the arrest warrant. Police also seized $16,000.

Two rifles, a Remington Model 700 .308 and Marlin 30-30 carbine lever-action, and two Smith and Wesson semi automatic handguns, a 9 mm and 22 caliber, were found in a bedroom located inside the restaurant.
The couple were released on bond.

"I was at a meeting the other night, and a long-term resident in Acworth made the comment to me that they always wondered how he was able to stay in business so long with so few cars ever parked out there," Wilkie said. "Now, we know the secret, I suppose."

According to the restaurant's Web site, Lanzo and his wife have operated the Oyster King for 15 years.

Acworth Mayor Tommy Allegood, who has lived in the city for about 12 years, said he doesn't know the owners.
"He's not a member of the Acworth Business Association," Allegood said.

The restaurant is open for business. A man who answered the phone Thursday and said he was Lanzo declined to comment.

The Web site tripadvisor.com has one review of the restaurant posted.
The review, dated Feb 10, says "The oysters were fantastic, although scraped off the bottom of Allatoona, you have to get past that."

R. Lee Ermey teaches a High School class

2008-06-05T16:40:00.005-04:00

Okay, so maybe this guy took it a little too far, but does he really need to be charged with terroristic threats? Hell, he already quit his job!

And given the situation, and the punks these poor teachers have to deal with these days, can you really blame him? If we had more teachers like him maybe we wouldn't have the dumbest ass kids in the state.

Explanation re: recent slacking in my macking and slippin in my pimpin

2008-06-02T10:20:00.003-04:00

Faithful readers, I apologize for the weakness lately. Things are happening, but just as Fawkes commented below, I can't afford to get fired so no blogging at work. That said, I'll try to pick it up some.

As for the future, my schedule next semester is a joke, which will provide plenty of opportunities to spew forth my twisted and obnoxious views. Please, I beg you, bear with me!

Godspeed,

Moustache, J.

WHAT'S! MY! NAME!? Apparently it's written across your rear windshield

2008-05-07T20:33:00.008-04:00

Without a doubt, the most shocking element of this story: DMX lives in fuckin Phoenix?

I didn't even need to go to law school to know this was effin stupid

2008-05-06T16:40:00.004-04:00

But apparently this kid didn't realize it... along with 100 other San Diego State frat boys. I haven't posted one in a while, but this just screams Moron of the Week... congratulations, Kenny--whoever you are--on resurrecting the prestigious award!

These guys nailed it

2008-05-06T15:39:00.003-04:00

Given my previous tirade against Criss Angel's dumb ass "magical" mind freaking, this video simply must be posted... enjoy.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

no caption needed

2008-04-30T14:29:00.000-04:00

A Typical day in life during law school finals

2008-04-30T10:58:00.004-04:00

FIRST SEMESTER

- wake up to alarm clock promptly at 7:00am, eat breakfast, drink coffee, pore over outlines and class notes all morning. Go to gym in afternoon to relieve some stress, come home, resume studying. Meet with classmates to go over outlines and and anxiously predict what problems we may have on the exam. In bed by midnight the night before the test, but too nervous to get good sleep.

SECOND SEMESTER

- wake up to alarm clock at 9am, eat breakfast, study, maybe go to gym later. No meeting with classmates, because that proved useless last semester, but frequent calls to one another to discuss or clarify certain points.

THIRD SEMESTER

- wake up around 10, play around on the internet, make sure there's nothing good on TV. Study on and off all day; sleep fine.

FOURTH SEMESTER

- wake up at some point, play around on internet, watch Sportscenter, maybe a Netflix movie. Play Tiger Woods Golf. Have outlines open on computer all day for conscience placation purposes, but minimal attention given. Check email and Facebook once every 5-10 minutes to see if anyone has a new status update. Bid on things on eBay, mainly just to have more things to check online. Calculate various grade combinations needed to maintain class ranking. Eat dinner, drink beer, watch baseball and basketball (it's okay, because the outlines are still up on my computer). Stuff face with Laffy Taffy. Regularly move cursor to awaken computer from sleep mode.

Hearsay is so incredibly gay

2008-04-28T12:00:00.002-04:00

that is all

I sure hope this person found what they were looking for

2008-04-21T17:15:00.004-04:00

Seeing the search terms people enter en route to stumbling across your blog is one of the main reasons for maintaining one. That being said, I'm not sure my blog would have helped this person out much:

This is why I don't bet on sporting events with real money

2008-04-19T14:01:00.005-04:00

God bless Centsports for allowing me to entertain my gambling impulses for free, while also reminding me of what an absolutely atrocious prognosticator I am of all things sports.

To facebook or not to facebook?

2008-04-16T20:23:00.003-04:00

One of the first things they told us in 1L orientation was to delete our online social network profiles. They must have known that then we wouldn't (after all, then what the hell would we do in class), because the next thing they said was to at least put them on restricted viewing... or at the very minimum, clean up all content to a level you wouldn't mind a potential employer seeing.

So this cautionary direction came to mind when I sat at my computer earlier tonight deciding whether or not I should send friend requests to the associates at the summer firm I'm working for. The very first alert that shot up in my mind was ABSOLUTELY NOT--ARE YOU FUCKING DEMENTED. But the more I thought about it, the more I was tempted. What would I gain from doing this? Just about nothing. And despite the obvious fact that I don't want people gathering around a computer tomorrow laughing at pictures of me lying on the floor with a watermelon on my head, I still kind of think it seems like a good idea.

Apathy abounds

2008-04-14T21:41:00.002-04:00

My first exam is in less than two weeks. I have two 20 page papers due next week. Try as I might, I just don't care. I've tried hard to care. I can't.

This time last year I was cranking out outlines, poring over Nutshells, making stacks of flashcards. That is not happening now. It certainly doesn't help that I already have a job.

Tell me other people did this as 2Ls... this is normal, right?

Reasons why people should incur a lifetime Facebook ban

2008-04-11T01:10:00.010-04:00

Missy McClanahan can't believe she has to wait all the way until September to become Mrs. David Taylor!! I WUV U WIDDLE BIDDLE POOKIE BUNNY!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

Josh Jones is da rubbaband man wild like the Taliban, 9 in my right, 45 in da other hand!

The Turbo Moustache

2008-04-09T20:46:00.010-04:00

By Jove, my mastery of most things alcohol has led to another divine creation! The following recipe makes about two large drinks. Behold my glory in liquefied form--the Turbo Moustache:

1) Brew four cups of coffee, double strength (since it will be diluted w/ ice and other garnishments). It helps, of course, if the coffee doesn't suck.*
*I use Grounds for Change. I was given a subscription last year as a gift, and it's downright delicious.

2) Turn the maker off as soon as the brew cycle is over. While the joe is still warm, add:

- 1 tsp sugar (or Splenda); or more/less to taste (keep in mind the Kahlua will be sweet too)
- 1 1/2 Tbsp hot chocolate mix
- 1/3 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

3) Close the lid and swirl together until dissolved, and toss the pot in the fridge. Once it's cooled down (the colder the better), bring it back out (swirl again before making the drink).

4) Fill a tall glass with ice, 1/3 Kahlua, almost the rest of the way with the coffee, and top with cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Feeling crazy? Yeah you are, you crazy fuck. In that case, add a nip of scotch when you add the Kahlua... Just don't blame me when this nice weeknight study pick-me-up turns into a shameful boozefest.

Of course you can also make this during the day w/o the alcohol as a refreshing summer alternative to a hot ass cup of coffee. Stepping out into the stiflingly humid 80-degree morning with a scalding hot beverage just isn't as enjoyable as it sounds.

Damn you to hell, Moola.com

2008-04-08T12:04:00.002-04:00

I just got savvy to this site yesterday, and the games are downright infuriating. I'm not so good with the numbers games (I am in law school, after all), so when I lose a very uncomplex mental battle like "Gold Rush" to somebody named "SouthAL_hswife" or "Jenny1994," it's for good reason, although nonetheless aggravating.

These "cheats" for Hi/Lo and Gold Rush are only marginally helpful. However, even when you win a few rounds, the luster of playing a simple and repetitive online game for 45 minutes, only to end up with a whopping 11 cents, wears off rather quickly, especially when you have to wait through a fucking 20-second ad before every single round.

The result of all this? I'm sticking with CentSports, which is 195% phenomenal.

the World Wide Want

2008-04-03T18:22:00.006-04:00

The amount of time and money I spend on ordering things from online merchants is becoming problematic.

PROS

1) You can get anything you can imagine at the best existing price;

2) It's a great cure for boredom and a conduit for procrastination;

3) Knowing something is coming in the mail gives you something to look forward to.

CONS

1) ending up with a bunch of shit you don't really want, need, or have the space for;
(example: $50 on sheets from Overstock.com)

2) 70% of the time, the thing I buy fails to meet my hyped-up expectations;
(example: $25 on PS2 game from Half.com)

3) shipping charges are an absolute scam;

4) I'm almost broke.

Here's an unbelievably poignant example of a piece of absolute garbage on which I threw away my money:

5-Day Weather Forecaster from Brookstone

With the unbelievable after-Christmas price of $35, who could resist! Anyone who had ever seen one in person, that's who. This thing fucking sucks. I say this in all complete sincerity--I could open the window and tell you the temperature outside and my guess would be 10-15 degrees more accurate. Again, I'm really not kidding. On most days, the temperature never even comes within the "hi / lo" range displayed on the screen.

It tells you it's thunderstorming outside when there's not a cloud to be found, and vice-versa.

Lesson: I could have spent 8 bucks on a window thermometer at Target and gotten what I was looking for.

Why do these people exist?

2008-04-02T16:12:00.009-04:00

You know those degenerate pieces of brainless societal sludge who ride right up on your ass on the interstate, even when you're not in the left lane and you're going 10 mph faster than the speed limit? And then they weave in and out of traffic (with no turn signal of course), forcing everybody else on the road to swerve or slam on the brakes?

Well, one of them just murdered four people, including a woman and her 13-month old baby, and sent more to the hospital with life-threatening injuries... then he sped off to safety, completely unscathed, and had to be tracked down by police two days later. Yes, I used the word "murdered," because this kind of asinine driving shows a complete disregard of the serious risk it poses to everyone else.

There's a good chance at least one more person (a father) will die in the hospital: "one family devastated by the crash was wrestling with a heart-wrenching decision on Wednesday: whether to start planning a joint funeral now or to hold off in case another family member dies."

His lawyer's contention?

"My client was driving, and he was hit in the side of his vehicle. He spun out of control and basically was unaware that such a collision had occurred, and what happened after it."

Translation: my client, an innocent victim and model driver, was (unbeknownst to him, apparently) hit by some awful person, and then spun out of control in the middle of the freeway without any knowledge of having hit anyone else. He then rode safely and merrily off, blissfully unaware that anything had happened.

Wow. If that's the best line Lionel Hutz has in his bag of criminal defense tricks, this one looks pretty bleak for this worthless piece of crap. They're gonna LOVE his young, fresh 20-year old face in the state penn!!

Reckless driver kills four, hospitalizes more

Petfinder.com

2008-03-24T16:38:00.003-04:00

With the insane number of dogs out there for adoption in every shape, size, color, and breed you could possibly imagine, I am a staunch advocate against buying one from a breeder. It blows my mind that people will actually choose to pay, for instance, $1000 or more for a yipping 3-lb rat dog.

I've been considering getting a[nother] dog for quite a while now, and whilst searching for something to keep me from studying last night, I stumbled upon this little guy. The wheels are in motion...

Just a typical Saturday night

2008-03-23T21:14:00.003-04:00

Thanks to the Grapist for this gem:

Dedication or constipation?

2008-03-12T23:50:00.002-04:00

Sheriff: Woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years; didn't want to leave bathroom

NESS CITY, Kan. — Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years--so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said of the bathroom incident. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Podcasts

2008-03-12T10:56:00.009-04:00

I've had an iPod for the better part of this century. It's an amazing little device and I love the hell out of it. Which is why I am flabbergasted that I just now discovered the vast universe of podcasts.

I always knew they existed, but I didn't really expect that there was anything I'd be interested in. I remember checking them out about four years ago, when they were still a budding young technological phenomenon, and all that I found were a few esoteric lectures on the state of Latin American politics and other issues about which I could not possibly care less.

But last night, while entrenched in one of my greatest procrastinatory episodes ever, I sat in front of the computer desperately scrambling for another online game or website to keep me from actually doing real work, and I ventured into the podcasts section of the iTunes store.

It was wondrous. There's something on every damn topic imaginable! You can get every daily ESPN show, NPR shows and interviews, famous speeches, deejay mixtapes, and history lectures. There are also weekly trivia podcasts. Of course, 75% of the categories I encountered consisted of such titles as "Master Slovenian in just one podcast!" but there are plenty of gems in there for anyone's downloading pleasure. A few of the... ehem, 19 that I downloaded:

- Plato: The Republic
- History of Rome
- Stones Throw Records: J-Rocc remixes
- Byzantine Rulers
- Some conversation w/ Justice Ginsburg (this should be good for my recent bouts of insomnia)
- NPR Science Friday: How Old Is the Grand Canyon?
- The "What-ifs" of 1066 (yes, the year 1066)

Looking back over this list, it actually doesn't seem as exciting as I celebrated at the beginning of this post. But fuck it, they're all free, so...

This... is... SPECTACULAR

2008-03-06T23:19:00.001-05:00

Play the best video game ever created, here, online, for free, nothing to download, no strings attached...

Alcohol sometimes makes me mean

2008-03-04T14:57:00.002-05:00

Eh, sorry about the last post... I considered deleting it altogether, but then I decided I should have to be punished by seeing it every time I visited the page, and also that it would encourage me to post more in order to knock it further and further down.

And a couple of you made some good points there. It also wouldn't make much sense to bitch and rant about not getting comments then delete a comment-inducing post.

It is good to know there are some of you out there checking in every now and then, so now I feel motivated to write more useless nonsense. Yeehaw!

Greetings, cunts!

2008-02-29T02:26:00.003-05:00

to hell with you all. i get 70-100 unique hits a day but no comments?

i'm shutting down until further notice. it's been real, but genius should be rewarded, and if you can't hang then you don't deserve this kind of brilliance. i have enough shit to do without providing amusement for whores who show no appreciation.

adios you ho-hos!!!

What ESPN2 really stands for

2008-02-18T23:40:00.005-05:00

Exclusively Showing Poker Nonfuckingstop (well, with a 2 on the end I guess).

damn you and damn your lame ass poker. I've been over this before. Why is this on television?!? Yes, I know it's because there is a large market of jacktards out there who have nothing better to do than to watch other people play a fucking card game on TV. And quite frankly, that kind of makes me want to go drink a gallon of sulfuric acid.

Vital news from the front lines

2008-02-18T16:06:00.004-05:00

The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently on his second tour in Iraq...

I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine’s Day. I had to endure several judging looks from the platoon for a while thanks to those care packages last year. Although, to go on a tangent, they were put to good use. The dildo ended up getting used as an ‘alarm clock’ by the Battery Gunnery Sergeant on Sergeants and Corporals that slept too long and for beatdowns for a couple of Marines’ birthdays. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Marine get tackled by a group of his buddies and beaten senseless by a giant dildo. In the end I snuck the beast into the bottom of one of the Sergeant’s bag’s prior to leaving post, the current location remains unknown.

As for the gay porn, I was able to hide it in the flak jacket of one of my infantry buddies in the space between the armor plate and the Kevlar vest in the front armor pouch. This cracked me up for a while and then I ended up getting really worried. Internal dialogue: “Holy shit, what if he ends up getting shot and killed? What if the parents receive the body and have to ask themselves, ‘What kind of weird shit was my son into?! I love my son, I love my dead, gay son!’” Yes, I become a much simpler creature while on deployment. So much for that Philosophy degree.

Tell the world my story

2008-02-12T17:42:00.000-05:00

Well friends, I fear this may be the end. What began as a pestering sore throat has transformed over the course of a week into a full-blown case of a treacherous and likely fatal illness, probably acute tuberculosis, or typhoid fever, or some other perilous disease I had previously only heard about on Oregon Trail. In any event, my physical health and cognitive abilities are rapidly declining and my life has been reduced to a sad existence of isolation, shuffling around unshaven in my apartment in robe and slippers, groaning in agony and feebly grasping for the closest medication. I would love to sleep the whole thing away, but the voices in my head won't allow it. I imagine this is very much how Howard Hughes spent his dwindling final days, except that he didn't have a 16-page paper and presentation due next week. It's a good thing I'm a 2L now and therefore missing class and reading assignments doesn't really sound the panic alarm. In any event, I'm hopping in the Spruce Moose to fly to far away lands. Tell them all about me.

In case you were wondering

2008-02-11T15:16:00.001-05:00

If you already have a sore throat, fever, and nasty cough, it's probably not a great idea to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, yell a lot, and take shots until 5am. Sure you feel great at the time, but three days later when you miss all your classes, haven't done any reading for the week, and are laid up on the couch at home whining like a baby ass bitch, you'll have only yourself and Joe Camel to thank for the pleasure.

At least I finally caved (after 18 months) and got internet service last week. That should really help me get crackin on these missed reading assignments...

Where does it end??

2008-02-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

Well fuck. Why don't you just have me type the second verse of "Livin La Vida Loca" in Mandarin? I blame the Arabs, who all hate our freedom.

Things that should cease to be

2008-02-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

1. Gym lame-os - Dude, it's bad enough that you actually choose to wear a wife beater every time you work out at the university gym, but constantly looking at yourself flexing in the mirror? Really?

2. Facebook guerrillas - STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO ADDING YOUR APPLICATIONS TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE! I do not want to help you with your next poker move, I don't want to join your virtual ninja club, and I sure as shit don't want to make every bit of information on my Facebook page available to the shady turds who create these ridiculous programs.

3. Mike Huckabee's Constitutional analysis - The fact that you actually said the Second Amendment is as important as the First should disqualify you from any further involvement in any level of politics whatsoever. You are an embarrassment to yourself, plus your wife looks like Bigfoot.

4. Dudes wearing flipflops in public on a daily basis - This is simply inexcusable and I'm campaigning to make the criminal punishment of such behavior a focus of the 2008 general election.

5. "America's Next Top Model" - As if it weren't bad enough that this abortion of reality television even exists, apparently it and its dumb ugly women are on television at all times. And would anyone really be that upset if Tyra Banks got hit by a bus? I submit to you that they would not.

6. R&B music. Is there anything worse than this whiny ear pollution? Sweet Moses this shit is awful. There is NO way anyone listens to this crap on purpose.

blah blahhgity blaaaah

2008-02-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

Things are just peachy down here in I-give-so -little-of-a-fuck-about-law-school-now-it's-kind-of-becoming-
alarming Land. I really haven't been doing much work, but I figure as long as I keep up with the reading I'll be good to go.

Anywho, at the risk of being one of those ass-lazy bloggers who just posts YouTube videos all the time, I have here... well, another YouTube video. I promise it's worth a watch.

Hot damn, "The Dark Knight" looks good

2008-01-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

At least Heath Ledger's final performance appears to be his best...

Simon's latest victim: aspiring American Idol Alberto Hurtado

2008-01-22T20:49:00.000-05:00

This is a rare gem... Please, please watch it. I promise it's worth it.

"You are the equivalent of a storm cloud on a sunny day..."

No good deed goes unpunished

2008-01-21T20:56:00.000-05:00

I'm not an idiot (well, not completely at least), and I realize that non-profit, not-for profit, etc. organizations, causes and charities rely on repeat donors in order to sustain themselves. It makes sense and I don't knock them for it.

However... there is a constructive way and a counterproductive way of doing this. For instance:

I give blood or platelets 3-4 times a year and have done so for the past 8 or so years. This is because I am the ideal image of philanthropy and a stalwart for humanitarianism. So when the Red Cross started calling me four times a week I tolerated it for a few months. But even Ghandi had his limits. I finally had to call and explain to them that as much as I support the cause, I don't particularly enjoy having my veins prodded and jabbed at and (eventually) opened by your undertrained and oft-incompetent blood collectors, and I think once every three months is generous enough and that moreover, I am nearly certain that Dracula himself would be less pushy about such collections. I felt somewhat bad about laying down my fist on blood solicitation but the Red Cross's guerrilla campaign left me with little recourse.

Another thing that really chaps my ass is when you open your checkbook to an organization (such as the Human Rights Campaign), and as a token of their appreciation they sell your info to other folks. I cannot even begin to scrape the surface of how unbelievably slimy this is. The most evil aspect of this scenario is that groups to whom you have "voluntary" disclosed your info are exempt from the no-call and no-mail lists.

Paging Dr. Phil to the Moron of the Week podium

2008-01-14T14:48:00.000-05:00

As much as it pains me to give even more attention to the awe-inspiring nuclear meltdown that is Britney Spears, it also gives me an opportunity to trash the ridiculously self-serving and obnoxious goober- ishness of Dr. Phil. Howard Stern had some choice words about the good doctor on Letterman the other night, not the least of which was his pointing out the fact that a Ph.D. from North Texas (with a dissertation on arthritis) hardly qualifies the man as an expert on everybody else's personal business.
In any event, Phil blamed the media for exaggerating the story and implied that it's this kind of trashy journalism that made the washed-up star into what she is. Fair enough, but should Dr. Phil really be calling out anyone else for "trashy journalism?"
And FYI, Doc--while I'm sure your trip to the psychotic ex-star's hospital room was made out of sheer compassion for your fellow human being--the girl was already in a real medical facility, surrounded by real medical doctors... I think they had things about as under control as it was gonna get. If anybody should be on the case, it's the magnificent Jeff Van Vonderen from Intervention (who ironically looks frighteningly like you).

But then again, what the hell do those guys know anyways? After all, you are the almighty, all-knowing guru wielding a Ph.D. from North Texas. Who are we to doubt your greatness?

My Fellow Americans,

2008-01-10T16:16:00.001-05:00

This is called a "roundabout:"

It is a very simple traffic tool that promotes efficient travel by auto-mo-bile. It has had great success in virtually every other country in the Western world, so I assure you they do in fact work when used properly. However, since some of you more brain-dead amoebas cannot seem to master the intricacies of this simple engineering device (e.g. the circle), I have laid out a few brief guidelines that will surely aid you the next time you approach one.

1) "Yield" is not the same as "Stop." You should have failed your driver's test for not knowing the difference. If no cars are coming, DON'T STOP AND WAIT FOR ONE TO ARRIVE. Instead, just proceed into the roundabout.

2) Once inside the roundabout, DON'T EVER STOP. The beauty of this concept is that those inside the circle keep moving, thus allowing them to swiftly reach their exit while also allowing those approaching it to enter safely and quickly. They will yield to you (for more details on this, please refer to point no. 1). If you stop, you are an idiot and you will cause a wreck in which you may suffer head trauma and, against all odds, actually become more of an idiot.

3) Never use a roundabout as a means for turning completely around and heading back from whence you came. Once an entering motorist sees you pass two exits, he will assume (and quite reasonably so) that you are exiting at the third, and he will pull into the roundabout. If you collide, he may be liable for failing to yield, but you're still the idiot and everybody will know so, including God.

A Glimmer of Hope for you Disgruntled 1Ls

2008-01-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

Most of my grades are now in, and things are looking quite a bit brighter than they did at this time last year, to say the least. The main differences:

I learned how to study.
I learned how to write exams.
I'm no longer being graded against my 1L section (which, unlike the rest of the sections, was half composed of law review members).
Two of my classes had 3Ls as well, who apparently no longer care about exams.

I would like to point out to some of you 1Ls who may be disappointed with your grades that the first ever law school grade I received was a (and thankfully my only) C, at which point I began contemplating downing a large antifreeze martini. However, the grades got better as more came in, and second semester I raised my overall GPA two full points (on a scale of 99, not 4.0) to a respectable level. This semester I raised it even more and my class ranking is absurdly higher from the frustrating level at which I started out.

The point is that all the people who tell you your first semester grades "lock you in" to your class ranking for the remainder of law school are WRONG. That's ludicrous--it's ONE semester out of six--you do the math. I raised my ranking nearly 40% (and no more Cs). Law school exams are a learning experience, and it takes a round or two for some folks to get in their groove. Keep your head up!!

Stop posting grades for classes other than mine

2007-12-26T15:58:00.001-05:00

Waiting.... waaaaiiiiiiting....

Some limited wisdom for the 1L or law school hopeful

2007-12-10T15:05:00.001-05:00

Almost halfway done--woot! Since I'm approaching the midway point, I'll share a few gems I've picked up over the past 16 months.

1. Some professors--not many, but some--are extremely lazy. If you have a hunch about one, it's probably right, and the grades will be given out with no particular rhyme or reason.

2. Cold-sending resumes is a monumental waste of time.

3. Don't ever try to predict your exam grades. You'll get your worst grade on the one you "aced" and your best grade on the one you were sure you failed.

4. Outlining as you go along is far more efficient much less stressful than doing it all at the end, even if you think the latter would be "a great way to review."

5. Anyone who struts out of a four hour exam after two hours has really missed the boat on something. Feel free to snicker when they do.

5 1/2. NEVER leave an exam early. That's superbly retarded. Even if all you can do is go back and reword your answers, why not do it and pick up a few style points? That could be the difference between a B+ and an A-, etc. Plus, it makes you look like a damn fool and you will be ridiculed once you're gone.

6. Exercise whenever possible. Don't be one of the multitudes of people who completely let themselves go in law school. Studying, while necessary, is not a replacement for exercise. Plus it makes your brain and your body feel better and lets you sleep more soundly (not to mention getting all the alcohol out of your pores). If you turn into a lard ass during law school, you think you're gonna have a bunch of time to undo the damage when you start practicing? Hmmmmmmmmm??

7. Study groups can be useful but generally are way overrated. You can find out early what works for you, and it's an important thing to do.

8. Ignore professors who tell you not to do "post mortems" once an exam is over. Talk about it as much as you can--why the hell not (but not with someone who doesn't share your enthusiasm)

9. Guys: don't tell anybody, except your best law school friend, anything you don't want everybody at school to know.

Ladies: don't tell anybody anything you don't want everybody at school to know.

10. Try to be as gossip-free and civil with as many people as you can. You never know when you're going to need a favor from an old classmate sometime down the road, even if it's the geeky doofus who raised his hand every day of your first year.

11. 8 hrs of sleep on a school night is too much. 5 is too little. 6 1/2 is perfect.

12. A lot of people who really, really suck as people will get really high-paying jobs, and as a result they will suck even more. Don't waste your time caring too much about this because it's happened since the beginning of time and there's nothing you can do about it.

13. Your non-law school friends don't care at all about your law school jargon or gripes, and why the hell should they? The more you try to sound lawyerly, the less interest they will have in being around you. Most of them probably have no idea how long law school is, how long you've been there, or how long you have left. To them you're just "in school," just like how to you, they're "doing marketing or something."

14. The amount someone talks in class is 150% unrelated to how good their grades will be. I cannot stress this enough.

14 1/2. If your syllabus says class participation is a factor in the final grade, your professor is lying like a motherfucker.

Please feel free to add any wisdoms I left out.

THIS JUST IN--

2007-12-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

drinking rum and watching football is more fun than studying for finals.

We'll have more news on this breaking story as it develops.

A limerick from the empty caverns of my mind

2007-11-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

Ten days with no classes--gadzooks!
Now the student can make his grades higher;
But instead of outlining and minding the books,
He spent most of it watching The Wire:

American Gangster Punch

2007-11-10T01:33:00.000-05:00

This evening Mrs. Moustache and I went out to see the latest picture show, "American Gangster." Since it was a late viewing, we had some time to kill, and as we were passing by the local package store while en route to the cinema house, we hopped in for a package. We settled on Malibu Coconut Rum [hold jokes until the end] since the lady didn't really want to consume a 32 oz. movie theater soft drink filled with bourbon. So the movie was okay--way too long and a bit of a let down when all is said and done--but Denzel and Russell Crowe are good, and T.I. and RZA actually aren't bad either, so it's worth a watch if you have nothing better to do.

Anywho, upon returning back to Moustache Mansion, I found that a few ounces of the effeminate libation remained in the bottle. Figuring I'd partake in a nightcap whilst watching The Departed, I searched the icebox for potential mixers, and developed the following concoction, which proved sensationomenal:

2 oz. Malibu rum
1 oz. Triple sec
1/2 oz. lime juice
1 oz. fruit punch

Combine in shaker w/ ice, pour into glass, add splash of 7Up. Tell friends it's Everclear and juice to avoid ridicule. Delicious! (Even better with Mark Wahlberg and Alec Baldwin's witty exchanges from The Departed).

Separated at Birth?

2007-11-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

Atlanta Hawks guard Joe Johnson,

and...

... actor Eriq LaSalle

Aha!

2007-11-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

I finally realized today that the whole "thinking like a lawyer" thing is really just law school orientation jargon for "using a balancing test to justify whatever conclusion you want." My first year my head was so focused on getting the issues, facts, and holdings of every case that I failed to recognize--until now--that balancing tests control the world. In just a shade under three semesters too!

Balancing tests are also a great tactic for a court to use when it already knows what it wants to do (because of the majority's own personal beliefs), but can't think of a legitimate legal justification for doing so. Just throw two parts competing interests on the scale, garnish it with two parts policy rationale, and viola--you've just created a legally sound balancing test to suit your desired result! One of my professors accurately calls this process (esp. in the context of S. Ct. constitutional decisions) "balacing your rights away."

In other news, the interview process is winding down, and I've had a decent run of it so far. Nothing in stone for the summer yet, but a couple of promising things on the horizon. And here's a little gem to give hope to some of you fellow non-top 20%-ers... I was talking to a friend the other day who is on law review, and she has not had a single callback, while several other folks not even in the top half have gotten multiple callbacks, and even offers, from some of the same firms with which she interviewed. Exact same thing w/ a dude I also know on LR. Thus, the dictum seems to have a little truth to it--great grades and LR will of course land you more interviews, but once it's interview time, attitude and personality, not grades, win the day.

MORON OF THE WEEK (month?)

Last but not least, there's a grumpy old somewhat obese, bulbous man who I see in the gym every day "walking" around the track. "Good for him," right? Well, maybe, if he didn't move as fast as an inbred paraplegic sloth. But that's not even what bothers me; the real fuck of it is he always has one of those motherfucking wireless cell phone ear pieces in and holds extremely loud, angry sounding conversations during the entire duration of these"workouts." I'm a firm believer in the fact that if you're talking on the phone, you aren't fucking exercising. And while I'm at it, who the hell are you to shoot me dirty looks just for living? I'm not the one making your exercise attmpts completely and utterly futile. Plus I think he's actually getting fatter. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he shows up one of these days with a TV tray strapped around his chest slurping up a can of Crisco.

But I digress...

Dear Krystal Chili Cheese Pups,

2007-10-19T19:10:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that I devour you at 3:30am on a near-weekly basis and am growing tired of waking up next to your empty boxes, I remain in awe of your deliciousness.

Love,

J.M.

PS. If you make me fat I'll fucking shoot you.

A Plea to the Shoely Challenged

2007-10-09T10:16:00.000-04:00

Is anybody else sick of seeing dudes in flip-flops? I understand wearing them to run out to the store or something--but 80% of the guys I went to college/go to law school with wear the same pair of flip flops everywhere, every single day. It's disgusting. They also actually wear these things to go out. The same raggedy, crusty pieces of foam on a daily and nightly basis. Oh, they'll be sure to put on a Polo dress shirt and khaki shorts--only to top off the outift with moldy flip flops. Are you serious?

I mean honestly, who wants to see (and oftentimes have to smell) your rancid feet? Half these clowns have toenails you could dice an onion with. Few things are as repulsive as a hungover, hairy fat slob with big gnarly ass feet stumbling through the law school hallway.

And the shit of it is, some girls actually spend time around some of these chronic toe flossers!! Ladies, please wake up and smell the foot fungus. You're playing a direct role in perpetuating a truly nasty phenomenon.

Sadly, this is my life

2007-10-04T12:33:00.000-04:00

Every weeknight around 11:30 or so, I invariably end up in the kitchen and return with this combination (or some variety thereof).

Fun with the Commerce Clause

2007-10-02T23:38:00.000-04:00

A fantastically ironic story relating to Heart of Atlanta Motel (the Supreme Court case that blew open the Commerce power and helped bring about the Civil Rights Act of 1964).

The crazy racist owner is still alive and ticking... and causing trouble. What a bastard!

I guess those torts cases really do happen in real life

2007-10-01T18:45:00.000-04:00

I was driving on the interstate back to school from Big City the other morning when all of a sudden the car started shaking violently. I looked in the rearview mirror and it was like the thing was clamped in one of those industrial paint can mixers--I couldn't see a damn thing the mirror was shaking so hard. So I slowed from 80ish to about 75, when all of a sudden I heard a loud POP-BAAAAAAAA-THUMP THUMP THUMP and the car started doing things and making foreign noises and assorted thumps I really didn't quite like. Meanwhile I'm attempting to move over to the right side while 18-wheelers are blazing by at intergalactic speeds, leaving gusts that are tossing me all over the place as I clutch the wheel for dear life. I had become like the old hag on the bicycle flying around in the tornado outside Dorothy's window just before she turns into the Wicked Witch (den-de-den-de neh neh, den-de-den-de neh neh!).

Luckily I was fortunate enough to finally get safely over to the shoulder. I stopped the car, got out and took a look...

That's a real-deal blowout right there folks... Miraculously, I only missed one of my morning classes! Oh, and I'm also alive which is good and also somewhat miraculous.

Surrounded by idiots

2007-09-27T20:48:00.000-04:00

Text to criminal procedure classmate: Better think twice about eating a french fry on the DC subway if you're a 12-year old girl. The Supreme Court will let them lock your ass up

Response: Thurgood Marshall must have just banged his head against the wall for hours every day after work

Young co-ed or toothless heroin junkie? A tough choice

2007-09-25T21:32:00.000-04:00

While there are several problems with the fact that this story below even happened, I'll start with this: hey, dingus--in case you didn't get this memo in your orientation packet, YOU'RE A DIVISION-I QUARTERBACK AT THE BIGGEST SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY. I think you just might be able to find a few campus floozies to give up the goods on any given night... Just a thought.

OSU's Henton charged with soliciting prostitute

Columbus, Ohio — Ohio State backup quarterback Antonio Henton pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor charge of soliciting for prostitution in Franklin County Municipal Court Tuesday.

Henton, 20, was arrested at 8:27 p.m. Monday on High Street near the school's campus after offering an undercover Columbus police officer $20 for intercourse, according to a police complaint.

He was carrying just $19 at the time of his arrest.

That last line is great.

But this episode is just the latest layer off the onion in what has become a perplexing epidemic in our society. For the life of me I will never ever understand athletes and other famous people. Many of you famous people have accomplished virtually nothing in life (See e.g. Lindsay Lohan, reality tv stars, Kevin Federline) yet you dolts are followed and fawned over. You have zillions of dollars. You could be ass-ugly and it wouldn't matter (if you don't believe me, just take a look at these guys):

nevertheless there would be a considerable amount of people with no self-respect who would jump ass-first in front of a scud missle just for the chance to get you in the sack.

And instead, what do some of you fools prefer to do? You go to the nastiest of neighborhoods and troll for $20 hookers. At least do what the Republican politicians do (when they aren't lecherously stalking young male aides or soliciting manlove in an airport crapper) and go through the high society madams and get the "classy" broads.

And for crying the muck out loud--STOP DRIVING!!! Leave the drunken driving arrests to teenagers and the law students who can't afford cabs. Why are you even driving in the first place when you have enough money to construct your own personal public transportation system? You should be doing the only thing you know how to do: sitting in a tinted-out stretch something drinking Grey Goose and snorting gator tails of blow with your entourage of coattail-riding peons. I know I would!*

*Dear potential employer: I really wouldn't.

Moron/Piece of Shit of the Week

2007-09-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

and I don't even really like cats, but what an absolute degenerate.

Police: D[R]acula man fed live cats to dog

A man in Gwinnett County captured kittens to feed live to his pit bull, investigators said Thursday.

Sheriff's deputies charged 21-year-old Tye Hilmo Thursday with aggravated cruelty to animals, said Stacey Bourbonnais, spokeswoman for the Gwinnett County Sheriff's Department.

They acted after receiving a tip that Hilmo had been catching neighborhood cats and kittens for his dog to kill, she said. "It's sick," she said. "It's indescribable and sick that people would do this kind of thing to and with animals."

Aggravated cruelty to animals is a felony that carries a sentence of one to five years in prison and/or a fine of up to $15,000.

A tipster said Hilmo, of Dacula, had been using the dog for dogfighting purposes, Bourbonnais said. Despite finding scars on the pit bull, she said, investigators did not have enough evidence to charge Hilmo with dogfighting. Hilmo denied the dog fighting accusation, Bourbonnais said.

Investigators retrieved a particularly graphic image from Hilmo's cell phone, Bourbonnais said — a picture appearing to show a dog chewing a kitten above a caption that reads, "Good dog."
Investigators found the bodies of mutilated kittens at Hilmo's home, Bourbonnais said.

Deputies arrested Hilmo on Sept. 10 after serving a search warrant, Bourbonnais said. They found two pounds of marijuana and seized several firearms including a sawed-off shotgun while investigating the cruelty allegations.

Hilmo was initially charged with unlawful possession of a firearm, possession of dangerous drugs, possession of a weapon during the commission of a crime and violation of probation, possession with intent to distribute and one misdemeanor count of possession of marijuana. Deputies also seized $826 in cash from his residence.

On Thursday, deputies added the animal-cruelty charge. He was being held without bond in the Gwinnett County Jail.

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2007/09/20/kittens_0921_web.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab

Interview Douche

2007-09-18T20:07:00.000-04:00

Interview season is upon us, and with it the golden opportunity for conceited douchebags aplenty to sign up for every single firm that comes to campus--even ones they have no intention of joining if selected--solely because it will give them increased chances to wear a suit to school and thereby tell everybody "hey, guess what... yeah, that's right... I'm interviewing today."

Now of course everybody competes and wants to get an interview. That's a natural part of the process. But some of these firms are pretty selective about class standing, which is why it's superbly obnoxious when somebody who interviews with all the fancy firms decides to apply for interview spots with the much less selective firms which he or she knows with 110% certainty they have zero interest in accepting a summer offer from. So several interview spots are wasted; meanwhile the other 80-85% of students, who would all love a job from that firm, are excluded from interviewing because these elitist slawbags* want to use the smaller firm spots as practice for their "real" interviews.

*If you're unsure who these people are, look no further than the dipshit actually using a "Big, Rich & Pretentious, LLP" koozy at school. A particularly douchy classmate of mine had one forcibly stretched around a lukewarm 20-oz Coke on the first day back from summer.

Get your hot dogs and poker off my damn television

2007-09-12T20:31:00.000-04:00

Ezekiel, you play right midfield--Judas, you're in goal

2007-09-11T19:12:00.001-04:00

This evening I received a yellow card for an obscenity-laden tirade during an intramural soccer game versus the Baptist Student Union.

It began with a horrendous call (after the keeper slid in front of me and I cut inside towards the goal, he grabbed my legs and wouldn't let go, and, unable to move my legs, I eventually fell on top of him. Inexplicably the Baptists were awarded the free kick), at which point I announced my general disapproval to anyone within shouting distance. The goalie rolled around on the ground for a bit, and I once again articulated my disfavor. This elicited a response from the Baptist bench, who quickly bound together, man and woman united (behold the rib!), and began to assail me with such crushing verbal missiles as "why don't you just quit shouting and play the game!" and "yeah, you just hush!" Now I was just downright irritated and removed my gentlemanly verbal filter, letting loose the aforementioned profane retort. Judging by the looks on their faces I'd wager dollars to doughnuts that those poor bastards had never even heard half the words that shot out of my mouth, and I think they would have preferred to keep it that way.

Somewhere in between "[fornicate] off" and "[Jiminy freaking Christmas]" I casually mentioned to anyone who happened to be listening that I found the referee's opinion of what had just transpired inside the penalty box to be "pure [equine feces]," and I subsequently received my official reprimand.

Five years ago I may have done something stupid (on field or off) to my competitors in retaliation. Eight years ago I definitely would have. Thankfully though, the experience and wisdom of old age have taught me to behave otherwise (well, after I cuss and scream at least), and I actually made a point of making amends with the Baptists and the refs afterwards. It is, after all, as one staunch Baptist supporter proclaimed during my soliloquy, "just a game."

The call really was a load of horse shit though.

To those law students also in the job race

2007-09-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Has anyone (2Ls or 3Ls) had any experience cold-mailing resumes and cover letters? Everyone keeps telling me this is a necessary complement (even though responses are generally meager) to the job search process, but it seems like a huge waste of time.

I have somehow managed to dupe a few firms into giving me an interview, so I'll see how that goes...

Whatcha drinkin?

2007-09-04T13:55:00.000-04:00

from the good people at Wesblog...

Like your clothes, your job, or your strict adherence to Megan's Law, the cocktail you order at your local bar/restaurant/key party tells people a great deal about your personality. “What does it say, exactly?” you're probably wondering. Nothing good, we promise you. Use this handy guide to determine what kind of message you want your drink order to send to that overweight, sexless Target employee you're hoping to bump uglies with tonight.

And remember, kids: Drink as much as you can, as fast as you can.

COSMOPOLITAN

Probable Hobby: Looking at yourself in the mirror for long periods of time, then going directly back to the gym.

What Your Drink Says: “I'm totally just out with my girlfriends right now, totally just dancing and having fun, but tomorrow, I will totally weep quietly at brunch through my Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses as I repeat the phrase, ‘so cute' as may times as I can.”

SEX ON THE BEACH

Probable Hobby: Very literally, having sex on beaches.

What Your Drink Says: “I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word ‘sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely.”

MARTINI

Probable Hobby: Standing next to German cars that aren't yours, having fake cell phone conversations about the strength of your nonexistent portfolio, and carrying around a tennis racket you have no intention of ever using on a court.

What Your Drink Says: “Ah, yes. Gore Vidal. The Masters. Mercedes-Benz. Ha, ha! What's that, old chap? You dare accuse me of stringing together random words associated with the upper class? I went to Yale School, you rapscallion!”

APPLETINI

Probable Hobby: You may be employed at Applebee's, but you also enjoy hanging out there with your other single, high school-educated friends in their mid-30s after your shift's over.

What Your Drink Says:“ I don't actually like drinking, I just like the idea of drinking. Similar, in other words, to my feelings for that new guy I'm blowing.”

WHITE WINE

Probable Hobby: Buying important-looking books at Barnes & Noble, placing them on your bookshelf, never reading them.

What Your Drink Says: “Not only do I think I'm better than you and therefore too good to drink anything other than this '98 Pinot at a crowded sports bar, but I would also prefer it if you and your $2 shirt would quietly eat your Jalapeño Poppers and return to the middle-class suburb from whence you came.”

MARGARITA

Probable Hobby: Attending outdoor summer concerts of ass-awful, washed-up bands like Van Halen and REO Speedwagon. Also, you wear jean shorts there.

What Your Drink Says: “I don't have any issues with drinking during the day or experimenting with bizarre sex positions.”

BLOODY MARY

Probable Hobby: Drinking heavily as early in the morning as possible. Also, drinking cold soup out of a glass.

What Your Drink Says: “I have trouble sitting through late breakfasts and early lunches with other people on account of my crippling dependence on alcohol. Luckily tomato juice-based drinks exist that allow me to get shitfaced as early in the morning as possible.”

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

Probable Hobby: Reckless behavior that endangers yourself and others, and is therefore hilarious.

What Your Drink Says: “So, wait—you're saying that my date-rape conviction is a turn-off? Come on, that was, like, four months ago. I'm real different now, baby. Hey, hey, hey—where do you think you're going in such a hurry?”

PBR CAN

Probable Hobby: Looking for change in your couch, watching porn, using pay phones.

What Your Drink Says: “My career is going exceptionally well. So well, if fact, that I've made the move from ramen noodles to spaghetti with butter. Can I offer you a handful of these unsalted generic-brand peanuts, m'lady?”

ANYTHING WITH GREY GOOSE

Probable Hobby: Tip-frosting parties with your Men's Health-reading buddies from ab class, pointing at people with gun-hands while you dance to Justin Timberlake music, explaining why you totally didn't want to bang that skank anyway.

What Your Drink Says: “My penis doesn't function correctly, and I believe, against all evidence available to me, that 50 Cent is a talented and versatile musical artist.”

JAGER SHOT

Probable Hobby: Punching people in the face.

What Your Drink Says: “Man, I could really punch someone in the face right about now.”

TAP WATER

Probable Hobby: Going to the bar, getting so ass-faced that the mere sight of a beer will bring your dinner back with a vengeance. Also of note: you have a great deal of self-control when it comes to choosing sexual partners.

What Your Drink Says: “Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna puke. Seriously, I'm gonna fucking puke… [Unintelligible] … Ugh… hold on, hold on. Lemme talk. That girl/guy with the face rash is kinda hot.”

TEQUILA

Probable Hobby: Being awesome.

What Your Drink Says: “I rock.”

Morons of the Week: Criss Angel fans

2007-08-30T22:55:00.001-04:00

Wow. Just when I thought pro wrestling, the Global Warming Denial Machine, and David Blaine had laid claim to all the gullible people in North America, this knucklehead comes along and usurps the throne. But I can't blame him for making a buck off of the stupidity of others--hell, NASCAR has been doing that for years! My real qualm is with his supporters.

Holy Toledo, he just bit a crowbar in half and levitated in the middle of the street! Amazing! And what's he doing now--oh, my--he's fox-trotting up the side of an office building! How the hell does he do that?? Dude, I think I--yeah...

I'M LIKE TOTALLY MINDFREAKED!!!

The only freaky thing here is that there seems to be a mass following of bafoons who actually buy into this pathetic charade. Newsflash folks, there's nothing Mindfreakish about just plain lying about stuff (trust me, I know--I'm a law student).

The sad reality for these people is that there's a whole lot of mindnumbing and not so much of the mindfreaking going on. This guy wakes up, puts on a black shirt, jewelry and makeup, and stands in front of a camera psyching you out about all this cool shit he's gonna do. The camera stops rolling, he goes home, the editors put in the camera effects, and all of a sudden he's gone from looking like your regular bus station bathroom stall gigolo to Harry fucking Houdini.

The only magical thing about this guy is that he spells his name "Criss" and has yet to get his ass stomped into the intensive care ward. COME ON PEOPLE!!!

Anatomy of a Nervous Breakdown

2007-08-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

.
INT. LAW LIBRARY - DAY

Students are busily going about their days, scooting by endless rows of long, tall shelves of important looking leather-bound books as they head to and from class.

SUZIE, a blonde 1L dolled up in trendy wares, sits alone and anxious at a table amidst the shuffle, her eyes wide and tearing, as she stares helplessly into the screen of her laptop.

SUZIE:
(frantically prodding at the keyboard)
OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGaaaaaaaaahd!!!

SAMMY, a short, skinny, enthusiastic, geeky fellow 1L instantly appears from around the staircase. He's clearly been praying for just this opportunity since orientation... which was only three days ago.

SAMMY:
(rushes to SUZIE's side)
What's wrong Suzie??!

SUZIE:
(still fixed on the screen; now hyperventilating)
I... I can't get my--my... my Torts brief is... G-G-G-GONE!!!

SAMMY:
Oh no, Suzie! Are you sure, let me see if I can--

SUZIE:
(violently slaps SAMMY's hand away)
DON'T TOUCH THAT! (now sobbing and full-on hysterical)

SAMMY:
(hurt, but still hopeful)
Oh, uh, oops. I'm sorry!

(a pause)

While SUZIE throws herself onto her laptop in anguish, SAMMY thinks for a moment, then darts toward the stairwell with astonishing speed and ascends three stairs at a time. Over his shoulder:

Don't worry Suzie!! I'll go get Professor... (trails off)

SUZIE:
(face in hands)
BWWWWWWAAAAAAAAH HUUUH HUUUH HOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!

From a corner table, previously off-screen, a PAIR OF JADED 2Ls has been casually observing the scene. They watch SUZIE sob, and after a few moments:

JADED 2L #1:
Did that just happen?

JADED 2L #2:
Like you fucking care. Let's go to Checkers.

Moron of the Week: A Self-Portrait

2007-08-22T22:05:00.000-04:00

That's right folks, I was nominated (by myself) for the second installment of this prestigious award, and the LS4D Subcommittee (e.g., me) on Moronic Affairs unanimously approved the nomination!

Okay, so maybe that's not really me... but it'd be a lot cooler if it was. Anywho, the Subcommittee (again--me) officially selected me this week, citing the following reasons:

1. Thus far I cannot, for the life of me, get myself to take school seriously this semester, despite the fact that my lifelong career options kind of depend on doing so.

2. I have on several occasions stayed in the library for well over an hour after my classes were done for the day, but didn't once do any work or reading there (unless you consider Google-imaging Halloween costume ideas to be work, in which case we should be friends).

3. Taking naps on the couch from roughly 4pm to 7pm (also in lieu of studying), thus ruining any chance of getting to bed at a reasonable hour when I have to be up by 7:30 the next morning.

4. Actually finding myself saying, during a conversation with a friend, "I really don't think Joey Harrington [Michael Vick's replacement] is going to be that bad. I mean, really, if you look at the schedule, we could even make the playoffs this year..."

5. I have now spent another 20 minutes bumbling aimlessly on this blog, while I have three reading assignments for tomorrow that I haven't even started yet.

I would like to thank all of the morons in my life for helping me to see what it takes achieve this award. But most of all I thank myself--I couldn't have done it without me. We finally did it, baby!

The Job Search begins

2007-08-21T11:14:00.000-04:00

So now that I've finished my first year and my first summer, I can start the interviewing process. The problem, as many of you know, is that to start the interviewing process, you have to be selected for the opportunity to beg for a job.

And it's tough to say the least, especially when every single interviewer's page in the career services database reads something like...

Required:
- Rank: Top 10%
Required:
- Law Review
- Moot Court

Hey, that's great! This on-campus interviewing thing seems like a terrific resource for the 15 people that actually fit these credentials. But for the other 400+ students frantically clawing around for next year's Summer Associate positions, this means lots of time spent writing emails and cover letters that are ignored, resumes that go directly to the trash, and staring at the ceiling imagining what the mother hell you're gonna do when you graduate law school and nobody will hire you.

And hey, new 2L Law Review members: BOO FUCKING HOO for you. So you're camping out in the library on Thursday night, missing a little bit of sleep. You get to brag to recruiters, even to your family. You DON'T however get to loudly "complain" about it in class. Congratulations, you got marvellous grades. The rest of us couln't give a fat tit about it because we're too busy being tortured by images of a future spent enforcing debt collection or doing real estate closings. But hey, check back with me in eight years when you have no one in your social or love life to help you spend the substantial wealth you've amassed.

Bitter? Motherfuckin right! I know it's only August, but SOMEBODY GIVE ME A FUCKING INTERVIEW!!!

Moron of the Week: Special Inaugural 2-part Edition!!!

2007-08-15T12:47:00.000-04:00

Today I'm beginning what will be a new quasi-weekly feature highlighting the asinine. For my first installment, I present to you a couple of easy targets:

We have Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy (not Kobe, but the short cracker next to him). Vick, of course, you know as indicted (and soon to be convicted) canine coliseum promoter/dog killer (and piss-poor quarterback) extraordinaire. Donaghy is an NBA referee who has just pled guilty to fixing point spreads in games he officiated in order to satisfy his mob gambling debts. Aside from the fact that they're both degenerates, they also have one thing in common: trying their best--and succeeding--to throw away a cushy dream career involving no actual work. Well done gentlemen!

However, Vick is by far the biggest moron here. Here's a guy who came from nothing, but was handed the world because of his innate athletic ability. So you get to the NFL, the city and its NFL franchise immediately embraces you, and you're filthy ass rich. Despite the fact that your intelligence level is embarrasingly low, or that you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a football, you are nonetheless loved by all.

The world has been handed to you! All you have to do in return is lift weights, learn plays, and use your brain sometimes.

But then what kind of moron would you be? Instead, you took the road of the embicile. Let's review a few of your escapades:

- Using the alias "Ron Mexico" on an STD test. Way to sneak below the radar there.
- Settling a civil suit brought by some ho-ho to whom you probably gave herpes
- Getting caught with a stolen watch at an airport security checkpoint
- Smoking weed--and being photographed while doing it
- Trying to sneak a water bottle w/ hidden ganja compartment, also through an airport security checkpoint (because clearly a man with a $140 mil contract should risk his reputation by trying to hang onto a $12.99 weed bottle)
- Admitting you stopped trying (excellent leadership decision) in the fourth quarter of a close game
- Shooting the bird at home fans when they rightfully booed horrendous passing performance no. 138
- Standing up the entire U.S. Congress, who had scheduled a special ceremony to honor your charitable contributions--then blaming AirTran, one of your corporate sponsors, for missing the flight
- Being related to your brother Marcus (okay, not technically his fault--but scoldworthy nonetheless)

Not to mention, in six years in the NFL, your QB skills have actually regressed. Yes, you are a spectacular runner with mind-blowing speed. Unfortunately that's about all you are, and an NFL QB must be much more--e.g. passing accuracy, ability to read a defense, good decision-making, and leadership abilities (see Manning, Peyton; McNabb, Donovan; Brady, Tom).

Nevertheless, despite your repeated off-field episodes and your mediocre QB skills, we gave you the benefit of the doubt. We stuck with you. We naively believed you when you said you were working hard, making the right decisions, and that you loved the Falcons and their fans. And now you've gone and been indicted (and at this point, all but convicted) of some pretty reprehensible, senseless, MORONIC stuff. You have officially snatched disgrace from the jaws of beloved stardom.

And as for you, Tim Donaghy, well, you're just a weasel. Vick may be guilty of being extremely dumb, but you connived to wreck the NBA, thereby toying with people's jobs and integrity, in order to line your pockets a little and fuel your gambling habit. You were making six figures, staying in nice hotels with comfy per diems, and shmoozing with star athletes--all for running around and blowing a whistle a few times a week. But that wasn't enough for you, because you're a sleazy slimeball! You are now going to federal prison, where you may or may not share a cell with a certain mentally challenged ex-quarterback.

Justice Moustache salutes you both for proving that people will always find ways to destroy terrific situiations for themselves. Enjoy your stays in the pokey!

Back in the saddle

2007-08-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

After three months of actually working a real lawyerly job in nearby Metropolis, I'm now back in the exact same spot I was a year ago. Back to the classrooms, books and cases of legal academia, back to the same apartment in the same humid town, with the same smells that I can now once again detect (since I've been away from this place for so long, certain everyday scents that were previously stored in my smell cache have expired, with the result that today I'm taken back to this time last year when I sat in here awaiting my first day of law school orientation).

However, there is of course one crucial difference from last year--that being the fact that I'm not anxious and uncertain about what's in store. I'm not worried about grades, I'm not concerned about who my classmates are and how they'll receive me. All that stuff has since run its course.

I am, however, concerned about the fact that three summer months of leaving your A/C off apparently renders it incapable of working properly. In the seven hours since I've been back, w/ the air on full blast, the temperature in here has actually risen from 87 to 89. I suspect a conspiracy by the power company. They clearly noticed my dramatic dropoff in kilowatt hours and sabotaged my central heat and air in some sort of spiteful recourse.

Anywho, I'm officially back on the blog circuit, I and have plenty of catching up to do, so I promise not to slack like I did over the summer. Yes, I'm back. It's hot as tits, but here we go, on with year numero deuce!

Fucking great.

I live for these

2007-07-02T15:22:00.000-04:00

If your stubborn arse still hasn't checked out Marmaduke Explained (see my links section on the right), maybe this little gem will entice you:

More attorney word mastery

2007-06-13T10:39:00.000-04:00

All spoken by the same lawyer during a hearing:

- "Your Honor, if I may inject for a second..." [interject?]

- "...given the Penelope of the circumstances..." [panoply?]

- "...as the saying goes your Honor, 'a bird in the hand is worth one in the bush.'" [two in the bush]

If THESE people passed the bar exam...

2007-06-02T10:29:00.000-04:00

Well working for Judge X thus far has been a very valuable experience. I've been privy to some pretty piss poor lawyering performances--one guy used horrendous grammar, made up words and didn't even know the law regarding the charge for which his client was on trial. Furthemore:

Judge X: MR. Z, these requests for jury instructions appear instead to be some sort of a closing argument. Did you actually have any instructions you wanted to submit?

Mr. Z (Inept Defense Counsel): [staring vacantly] Uh, no... your Honor.

In another trial, a PD was virtually inaudible throughout the duration, missed huge points and connections, and irritatingly swayed back and forth in one spot during her entire closing argument. There have however been some impressive performances as well, but the bulk of the experience has been great due mainly to the fact that the judge is fantastic. Judge X goes to great lengths to answer any questions I have and to explain any points of procedure or law I may be fuzzy on. I also recently went with Judge X to a lunch meeting with one of the Justices of our state's Supreme Court, which was obviously pretty cool.

Summa summa summa tiiiiiiiiiime

2007-05-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

Well it's been less than two weeks since I finished the last final of my first year and I've spent most of that time drinking and stuffing my face. I did start my summer "job" today though, and the judge I'm working for is cool as hell so I've got that going for me.

I'll post something neat once some crazy shit happens this summer.

Dirge for a Civil Procedure Exam

2007-05-09T19:54:00.000-04:00

While I'm not technically done (one final, lesser exam on Friday), I needed to channel my frustrations somehow. Amazingly it kind of worked... although the fact that I wrote this while drinking a bottle of wine by myself and watching the Braves win certainly didn't hurt either.

With Con Law, savage beast since slain days ago
All that stood in the way of year two was Civ Pro.
No meager task this, yet none that should be feared
For the Prof was a soft spoken chap with a beard.
Thus three hours' time would surely be ample chance
to wow Mr. Prof with some civ pro parlance;
So for a few days he drudged through exams from the past
to shore up the process and write answers fast.
A Pennoyer here, there an International Shoe,
"What's the very most trouble Civ Pro Prof could do?"
But while the young student slept soundly in bed
By moonlight Prof crafted his creature of dread.
When sun bathed the schoolhouse the Prof smiled thin
As unshaven faces filed warily in, then
SHUT! went the door as this creation no more was contained, but now loose to wreak terror and gore!
But student held fast--"I'm but strong for the task--
I know ALL the answers to questions you'll ask!"
But what should appear now and dampen his plans,
than a format that far strayed from practice exams.
"One P plus four Ds times three issues?"--the rage--
Student hadn't yet even turned past the first page!
"That's fifteen alone, things just in one question,"
student gasped when he saw four more questions that section.
And the next fact pattern was decidedly worse.
"How many times must I write out 'they all are diverse!?'"
And thusly it went, as the hours rode past
the battle left student beaten down and downcast.
The creature was fierce but at last put to rest
as folklore for future 1Ls before tests.
And as student emerged to a sky clear and blue, he cried,
"Fuck it, I'm done--NOW BRING ON YEAR TWO!"

Dear law students with small children,

2007-05-05T15:46:00.000-04:00

Bringing your toddlers to school during finals and letting them loose to run shrieking through the halls is not "cute." I'm glad you have a happy family and it's swell that you're working hard in law school to provide them with a good life. But guess what? A few hundred other people are in the building right now TAKING EXAMS and they have paid a shit-ton of money to do so. This is not "fun happy family time." So here's a thought--DON'T BRING YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS.

The fact that this is even an issue is fucking ridiculous.

Sincerely,

Everybody with some semblance of a brain

But what would be the ruling on a peel?

2007-05-02T14:25:00.000-04:00

1L: Just because child porn is virtual doesn't mean it's protected by the First Amendment.

Con Law Prof: But children must be used in its production for it to be illegal.

1L: Couldn't the Court consider some virtual child porn to have used a child in the production?

Con Law Prof: I'm not sure I see where you're going with this...

1L: Well, you know how they wire people up and have them move around when they make video games, like Tiger Woods Golf?

Con Law Prof: Oh, I see what you're getting at--kind of like, "here you go, Billy--eat this banana?"

A moment of epiphany--I now know why I came to law school*

2007-04-30T14:42:00.000-04:00

*this post contains obscenity-laden (e.g. fun) text

My true purpose in life is to find creative and entertaining ways to sue the everloving shit out of the degenerates behind solicitations such as the one that follows. Awaiting a response from a professor to an emailed question regarding the Presidential Removal Power, I checked my inbox and discovered this instead:

----

From : Elizabeth Davis
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 8:07 AM
To : Justice Moustache
Subject : Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.

Dear Justice Moustache,

Did you know you can get name brand pharmaceuticals shipped straight to your door? We even have Ambien, oral Cialis tabs and more! Check out bestdrugstore.com today!

-----

Never one to shy away from cordial electronic mail exchange, I offered a response.

-----
From : Justice Moustache
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 11:42 AM
To : Elizabeth Davis
Subject : Re: Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.

Dearest Elizabeth,

Thanks so much for your email! I don't have anything better to do during law school finals than to read computer-generated emails from worthless cunts like yourself. Why don't you peruse the warehouse and buy six vials of morphine on me and inject them into your eyeballs and heart immediately.

Once that's done, go fuck your slut mother in the poop chute with a spiked bat.

Love,

Daddy