Summa summa summa tiiiiiiiiiime

Well it's been less than two weeks since I finished the last final of my first year and I've spent most of that time drinking and stuffing my face. I did start my summer "job" today though, and the judge I'm working for is cool as hell so I've got that going for me.

I'll post something neat once some crazy shit happens this summer.

Dirge for a Civil Procedure Exam

While I'm not technically done (one final, lesser exam on Friday), I needed to channel my frustrations somehow. Amazingly it kind of worked... although the fact that I wrote this while drinking a bottle of wine by myself and watching the Braves win certainly didn't hurt either.

With Con Law, savage beast since slain days ago
All that stood in the way of year two was Civ Pro.
No meager task this, yet none that should be feared
For the Prof was a soft spoken chap with a beard.
Thus three hours' time would surely be ample chance
to wow Mr. Prof with some civ pro parlance;
So for a few days he drudged through exams from the past
to shore up the process and write answers fast.
A Pennoyer here, there an International Shoe,
"What's the very most trouble Civ Pro Prof could do?"
But while the young student slept soundly in bed
By moonlight Prof crafted his creature of dread.
When sun bathed the schoolhouse the Prof smiled thin
As unshaven faces filed warily in, then
SHUT! went the door as this creation no more was contained, but now loose to wreak terror and gore!
But student held fast--"I'm but strong for the task--
I know ALL the answers to questions you'll ask!"
But what should appear now and dampen his plans,
than a format that far strayed from practice exams.
"One P plus four Ds times three issues?"--the rage--
Student hadn't yet even turned past the first page!
"That's fifteen alone, things just in one question,"
student gasped when he saw four more questions that section.
And the next fact pattern was decidedly worse.
"How many times must I write out 'they all are diverse!?'"
And thusly it went, as the hours rode past
the battle left student beaten down and downcast.
The creature was fierce but at last put to rest
as folklore for future 1Ls before tests.
And as student emerged to a sky clear and blue, he cried,
"Fuck it, I'm done--NOW BRING ON YEAR TWO!"

Dear law students with small children,

Bringing your toddlers to school during finals and letting them loose to run shrieking through the halls is not "cute." I'm glad you have a happy family and it's swell that you're working hard in law school to provide them with a good life. But guess what? A few hundred other people are in the building right now TAKING EXAMS and they have paid a shit-ton of money to do so. This is not "fun happy family time." So here's a thought--DON'T BRING YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS.

The fact that this is even an issue is fucking ridiculous.

Sincerely,

Everybody with some semblance of a brain

But what would be the ruling on a peel?

1L: Just because child porn is virtual doesn't mean it's protected by the First Amendment.

Con Law Prof: But children must be used in its production for it to be illegal.

1L: Couldn't the Court consider some virtual child porn to have used a child in the production?

Con Law Prof: I'm not sure I see where you're going with this...

1L: Well, you know how they wire people up and have them move around when they make video games, like Tiger Woods Golf?

Con Law Prof: Oh, I see what you're getting at--kind of like, "here you go, Billy--eat this banana?"

A moment of epiphany--I now know why I came to law school*

*this post contains obscenity-laden (e.g. fun) text

My true purpose in life is to find creative and entertaining ways to sue the everloving shit out of the degenerates behind solicitations such as the one that follows. Awaiting a response from a professor to an emailed question regarding the Presidential Removal Power, I checked my inbox and discovered this instead:

----

From : Elizabeth Davis
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 8:07 AM
To : Justice Moustache
Subject : Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.

Dear Justice Moustache,

Did you know you can get name brand pharmaceuticals shipped straight to your door? We even have Ambien, oral Cialis tabs and more! Check out bestdrugstore.com today!

-----

Never one to shy away from cordial electronic mail exchange, I offered a response.

-----
From : Justice Moustache
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 11:42 AM
To : Elizabeth Davis
Subject : Re: Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.

Dearest Elizabeth,

Thanks so much for your email! I don't have anything better to do during law school finals than to read computer-generated emails from worthless cunts like yourself. Why don't you peruse the warehouse and buy six vials of morphine on me and inject them into your eyeballs and heart immediately.

Once that's done, go fuck your slut mother in the poop chute with a spiked bat.

Love,

Daddy

Rude little pig

Boy that Alec Bladwin sure is a nut.

"A life?" What the piss is that?

Well I seem to have fallen into the large category of people who ambitiously embark on a blog only to abandon it two weeks later. To all six of the people who have read this--in particularly the one or two that have actually noticed I've been gone--I apologize. As you guys know, second semester of law school is at once bewildering and revealing. I've been busy trying to balance the longtime gf (a non-law student) with cramming my brain full of federal subject matter jurisdiction and equal protection. Somewhere in between, I have fallen into the habit of drinking one glass of scotch every weeknight. Just one; around 11:30, while reading the last bit of jargon for the next day's classes, and it puts me right to sleep. It's quite wonderful actully. And of course Friday nights are generally blackouts, so Saturday is always a wash as far as studying goes.

Anyhwho, I won't get into the Virginia Tech tragedy because for one, we could all use a break, and two, it will just piss me off to mention that worthless SOB and make me depressed thinking about all the people he victimized.

I will however briefly mention something much, much less important, and that's Don Imus. I don't think anyone should be burned at the stake just for being stupid and offensive. If that were the case, Bill O'Reilly would be long gone, Rush Limbaugh would be a heap of ashes, Ann Coulter would be crsipier than a rattlesnake on the summer pavement, and O.J. Simpson... well, we all know his fate awaits him on a much toastier plane. In any event, it's a sorry state of affairs when some decrepit old carmudgeon essentially takes a line from "Doggystyle" and it suddenly balloons into the next Cuban Missle Crisis.

I'm not insensitive or naive (at least I like to think so); I know there's more to it than that. Racist and sexist overtones, of course. But hell, Tim Hardaway ranted on a radio show about how much he hates and is disgusted by gays, and that blew over in less than 48 hours. Of course, in a capitalistic society, money talks, bullshit walks... In this case, the money talking is from the radio stations' corporate sponsors pulling out faster than Tom Brady with his next C-list actress, and the bullshit walking is Don Imus.

But whatever your view may be (and please do share it), let's not lose sight of the real issue here: should Don Imus really be calling out anybody else for having nappy hair?