Vital news from the front lines

The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently on his second tour in Iraq...

I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine’s Day. I had to endure several judging looks from the platoon for a while thanks to those care packages last year. Although, to go on a tangent, they were put to good use. The dildo ended up getting used as an ‘alarm clock’ by the Battery Gunnery Sergeant on Sergeants and Corporals that slept too long and for beatdowns for a couple of Marines’ birthdays. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Marine get tackled by a group of his buddies and beaten senseless by a giant dildo. In the end I snuck the beast into the bottom of one of the Sergeant’s bag’s prior to leaving post, the current location remains unknown.

As for the gay porn, I was able to hide it in the flak jacket of one of my infantry buddies in the space between the armor plate and the Kevlar vest in the front armor pouch. This cracked me up for a while and then I ended up getting really worried. Internal dialogue: “Holy shit, what if he ends up getting shot and killed? What if the parents receive the body and have to ask themselves, ‘What kind of weird shit was my son into?! I love my son, I love my dead, gay son!’” Yes, I become a much simpler creature while on deployment. So much for that Philosophy degree.