Friday, February 29, 2008

Greetings, cunts!

to hell with you all. i get 70-100 unique hits a day but no comments?

i'm shutting down until further notice. it's been real, but genius should be rewarded, and if you can't hang then you don't deserve this kind of brilliance. i have enough shit to do without providing amusement for whores who show no appreciation.

adios you ho-hos!!!

Monday, February 18, 2008

What ESPN2 really stands for

Exclusively Showing Poker Nonfuckingstop (well, with a 2 on the end I guess).

damn you and damn your lame ass poker. I've been over this before. Why is this on television?!? Yes, I know it's because there is a large market of jacktards out there who have nothing better to do than to watch other people play a fucking card game on TV. And quite frankly, that kind of makes me want to go drink a gallon of sulfuric acid.

Vital news from the front lines

The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently on his second tour in Iraq...

I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine’s Day. I had to endure several judging looks from the platoon for a while thanks to those care packages last year. Although, to go on a tangent, they were put to good use. The dildo ended up getting used as an ‘alarm clock’ by the Battery Gunnery Sergeant on Sergeants and Corporals that slept too long and for beatdowns for a couple of Marines’ birthdays. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Marine get tackled by a group of his buddies and beaten senseless by a giant dildo. In the end I snuck the beast into the bottom of one of the Sergeant’s bag’s prior to leaving post, the current location remains unknown.

As for the gay porn, I was able to hide it in the flak jacket of one of my infantry buddies in the space between the armor plate and the Kevlar vest in the front armor pouch. This cracked me up for a while and then I ended up getting really worried. Internal dialogue: “Holy shit, what if he ends up getting shot and killed? What if the parents receive the body and have to ask themselves, ‘What kind of weird shit was my son into?! I love my son, I love my dead, gay son!’” Yes, I become a much simpler creature while on deployment. So much for that Philosophy degree.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tell the world my story

Well friends, I fear this may be the end. What began as a pestering sore throat has transformed over the course of a week into a full-blown case of a treacherous and likely fatal illness, probably acute tuberculosis, or typhoid fever, or some other perilous disease I had previously only heard about on Oregon Trail. In any event, my physical health and cognitive abilities are rapidly declining and my life has been reduced to a sad existence of isolation, shuffling around unshaven in my apartment in robe and slippers, groaning in agony and feebly grasping for the closest medication. I would love to sleep the whole thing away, but the voices in my head won't allow it. I imagine this is very much how Howard Hughes spent his dwindling final days, except that he didn't have a 16-page paper and presentation due next week. It's a good thing I'm a 2L now and therefore missing class and reading assignments doesn't really sound the panic alarm. In any event, I'm hopping in the Spruce Moose to fly to far away lands. Tell them all about me.

Monday, February 11, 2008

In case you were wondering

If you already have a sore throat, fever, and nasty cough, it's probably not a great idea to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, yell a lot, and take shots until 5am. Sure you feel great at the time, but three days later when you miss all your classes, haven't done any reading for the week, and are laid up on the couch at home whining like a baby ass bitch, you'll have only yourself and Joe Camel to thank for the pleasure.

At least I finally caved (after 18 months) and got internet service last week. That should really help me get crackin on these missed reading assignments...

Friday, February 8, 2008

Where does it end??

Well fuck. Why don't you just have me type the second verse of "Livin La Vida Loca" in Mandarin? I blame the Arabs, who all hate our freedom.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Things that should cease to be

1. Gym lame-os - Dude, it's bad enough that you actually choose to wear a wife beater every time you work out at the university gym, but constantly looking at yourself flexing in the mirror? Really?

2. Facebook guerrillas - STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO ADDING YOUR APPLICATIONS TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE! I do not want to help you with your next poker move, I don't want to join your virtual ninja club, and I sure as shit don't want to make every bit of information on my Facebook page available to the shady turds who create these ridiculous programs.

3. Mike Huckabee's Constitutional analysis - The fact that you actually said the Second Amendment is as important as the First should disqualify you from any further involvement in any level of politics whatsoever. You are an embarrassment to yourself, plus your wife looks like Bigfoot.

4. Dudes wearing flipflops in public on a daily basis - This is simply inexcusable and I'm campaigning to make the criminal punishment of such behavior a focus of the 2008 general election.

5. "America's Next Top Model" - As if it weren't bad enough that this abortion of reality television even exists, apparently it and its dumb ugly women are on television at all times. And would anyone really be that upset if Tyra Banks got hit by a bus? I submit to you that they would not.

6. R&B music. Is there anything worse than this whiny ear pollution? Sweet Moses this shit is awful. There is NO way anyone listens to this crap on purpose.

Friday, February 1, 2008

blah blahhgity blaaaah

Things are just peachy down here in I-give-so -little-of-a-fuck-about-law-school-now-it's-kind-of-becoming-
alarming Land. I really haven't been doing much work, but I figure as long as I keep up with the reading I'll be good to go.

Anywho, at the risk of being one of those ass-lazy bloggers who just posts YouTube videos all the time, I have here... well, another YouTube video. I promise it's worth a watch.