Question

How is it that this blog gets over 100 hits / day yet no longer gets any effin comments? I realize 75% of these hits are from random bozos surfing the web from the far removed third world crannies of the earth, but for shit's sake, a little love every now and then from the rest of you dicksneezes wouldn't hurt. I saw an entry earlier today where some girl blogged about how she tried putting her fucking bangs on the other side of her face, and even she had 7 comments.

Even Justices appreciate a little "hey, nice job, fuck your mother" every once in a while. Slut tards.

Fun with Vanity Plates

Everyone knows that "vanity plate people" are a special breed of idiot. It takes an almost unfathomably inflated sense of self-importance for someone to actually put a message about himself on his license plate.

The good thing is that a vanity plate also serves as an instant warning that the person behind the wheel has the driving skills of an autistic blindfolded lemur, due largely to the fact that they feel the road is their own personal space and you are merely an unwanted guest there.

Driving down the highway the other day, however, I saw one that really twisted my brain. At first glance I thought perhaps it belonged to a female porn star, or maybe just a slut, or perhaps someone who just enjoyed being kind to others. As I drove by, however, I saw that it was a frail Indian kid leaning back in full douche regalia--sunglasses, spiked hair that could pop a volleyball, unbuttoned dress shirt (w/ standard gold chain), and of course, cellphone glued to his face.

I promise you I'm not kidding, this is precisely what it said:


Now admittedly, I don't speak Hindi--it's entirely possible that this means "Rich Playa Man" or something equally awesome in Bangalore.

Unfortunately for the cool customer showing off this plate, on the streets of America it means you are proudly announcing your desire (or ability) to diddle on the skin flute of every other male driver on the road.

R. Lee Ermey teaches a High School class

Okay, so maybe this guy took it a little too far, but does he really need to be charged with terroristic threats? Hell, he already quit his job!

And given the situation, and the punks these poor teachers have to deal with these days, can you really blame him? If we had more teachers like him maybe we wouldn't have the dumbest ass kids in the state.

Hearsay is so incredibly gay

that is all

Reasons why people should incur a lifetime Facebook ban

Missy McClanahan can't believe she has to wait all the way until September to become Mrs. David Taylor!! I WUV U WIDDLE BIDDLE POOKIE BUNNY!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

Josh Jones is da rubbaband man wild like the Taliban, 9 in my right, 45 in da other hand!

Damn you to hell, Moola.com

I just got savvy to this site yesterday, and the games are downright infuriating. I'm not so good with the numbers games (I am in law school, after all), so when I lose a very uncomplex mental battle like "Gold Rush" to somebody named "SouthAL_hswife" or "Jenny1994," it's for good reason, although nonetheless aggravating.

These "cheats" for Hi/Lo and Gold Rush are only marginally helpful. However, even when you win a few rounds, the luster of playing a simple and repetitive online game for 45 minutes, only to end up with a whopping 11 cents, wears off rather quickly, especially when you have to wait through a fucking 20-second ad before every single round.

The result of all this? I'm sticking with CentSports, which is 195% phenomenal.

the World Wide Want

The amount of time and money I spend on ordering things from online merchants is becoming problematic.

PROS

1) You can get anything you can imagine at the best existing price;

2) It's a great cure for boredom and a conduit for procrastination;

3) Knowing something is coming in the mail gives you something to look forward to.

CONS

1) ending up with a bunch of shit you don't really want, need, or have the space for;
(example: $50 on sheets from Overstock.com)

2) 70% of the time, the thing I buy fails to meet my hyped-up expectations;
(example: $25 on PS2 game from Half.com)

3) shipping charges are an absolute scam;

4) I'm almost broke.

Here's an unbelievably poignant example of a piece of absolute garbage on which I threw away my money:

5-Day Weather Forecaster from Brookstone

With the unbelievable after-Christmas price of $35, who could resist! Anyone who had ever seen one in person, that's who. This thing fucking sucks. I say this in all complete sincerity--I could open the window and tell you the temperature outside and my guess would be 10-15 degrees more accurate. Again, I'm really not kidding. On most days, the temperature never even comes within the "hi / lo" range displayed on the screen.

It tells you it's thunderstorming outside when there's not a cloud to be found, and vice-versa.

Lesson: I could have spent 8 bucks on a window thermometer at Target and gotten what I was looking for.

What ESPN2 really stands for

Exclusively Showing Poker Nonfuckingstop (well, with a 2 on the end I guess).

damn you and damn your lame ass poker. I've been over this before. Why is this on television?!? Yes, I know it's because there is a large market of jacktards out there who have nothing better to do than to watch other people play a fucking card game on TV. And quite frankly, that kind of makes me want to go drink a gallon of sulfuric acid.

In case you were wondering

If you already have a sore throat, fever, and nasty cough, it's probably not a great idea to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, yell a lot, and take shots until 5am. Sure you feel great at the time, but three days later when you miss all your classes, haven't done any reading for the week, and are laid up on the couch at home whining like a baby ass bitch, you'll have only yourself and Joe Camel to thank for the pleasure.

At least I finally caved (after 18 months) and got internet service last week. That should really help me get crackin on these missed reading assignments...

Things that should cease to be

1. Gym lame-os - Dude, it's bad enough that you actually choose to wear a wife beater every time you work out at the university gym, but constantly looking at yourself flexing in the mirror? Really?

2. Facebook guerrillas - STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO ADDING YOUR APPLICATIONS TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE! I do not want to help you with your next poker move, I don't want to join your virtual ninja club, and I sure as shit don't want to make every bit of information on my Facebook page available to the shady turds who create these ridiculous programs.

3. Mike Huckabee's Constitutional analysis - The fact that you actually said the Second Amendment is as important as the First should disqualify you from any further involvement in any level of politics whatsoever. You are an embarrassment to yourself, plus your wife looks like Bigfoot.

4. Dudes wearing flipflops in public on a daily basis - This is simply inexcusable and I'm campaigning to make the criminal punishment of such behavior a focus of the 2008 general election.

5. "America's Next Top Model" - As if it weren't bad enough that this abortion of reality television even exists, apparently it and its dumb ugly women are on television at all times. And would anyone really be that upset if Tyra Banks got hit by a bus? I submit to you that they would not.

6. R&B music. Is there anything worse than this whiny ear pollution? Sweet Moses this shit is awful. There is NO way anyone listens to this crap on purpose.

No good deed goes unpunished

I'm not an idiot (well, not completely at least), and I realize that non-profit, not-for profit, etc. organizations, causes and charities rely on repeat donors in order to sustain themselves. It makes sense and I don't knock them for it.

However... there is a constructive way and a counterproductive way of doing this. For instance:

I give blood or platelets 3-4 times a year and have done so for the past 8 or so years. This is because I am the ideal image of philanthropy and a stalwart for humanitarianism. So when the Red Cross started calling me four times a week I tolerated it for a few months. But even Ghandi had his limits. I finally had to call and explain to them that as much as I support the cause, I don't particularly enjoy having my veins prodded and jabbed at and (eventually) opened by your undertrained and oft-incompetent blood collectors, and I think once every three months is generous enough and that moreover, I am nearly certain that Dracula himself would be less pushy about such collections. I felt somewhat bad about laying down my fist on blood solicitation but the Red Cross's guerrilla campaign left me with little recourse.

Another thing that really chaps my ass is when you open your checkbook to an organization (such as the Human Rights Campaign), and as a token of their appreciation they sell your info to other folks. I cannot even begin to scrape the surface of how unbelievably slimy this is. The most evil aspect of this scenario is that groups to whom you have "voluntary" disclosed your info are exempt from the no-call and no-mail lists.

My Fellow Americans,

This is called a "roundabout:"


It is a very simple traffic tool that promotes efficient travel by auto-mo-bile. It has had great success in virtually every other country in the Western world, so I assure you they do in fact work when used properly. However, since some of you more brain-dead amoebas cannot seem to master the intricacies of this simple engineering device (e.g. the circle), I have laid out a few brief guidelines that will surely aid you the next time you approach one.

1) "Yield" is not the same as "Stop." You should have failed your driver's test for not knowing the difference. If no cars are coming, DON'T STOP AND WAIT FOR ONE TO ARRIVE. Instead, just proceed into the roundabout.

2) Once inside the roundabout, DON'T EVER STOP. The beauty of this concept is that those inside the circle keep moving, thus allowing them to swiftly reach their exit while also allowing those approaching it to enter safely and quickly. They will yield to you (for more details on this, please refer to point no. 1). If you stop, you are an idiot and you will cause a wreck in which you may suffer head trauma and, against all odds, actually become more of an idiot.

3) Never use a roundabout as a means for turning completely around and heading back from whence you came. Once an entering motorist sees you pass two exits, he will assume (and quite reasonably so) that you are exiting at the third, and he will pull into the roundabout. If you collide, he may be liable for failing to yield, but you're still the idiot and everybody will know so, including God.

Stop posting grades for classes other than mine

Waiting.... waaaaiiiiiiting....

A Plea to the Shoely Challenged

Is anybody else sick of seeing dudes in flip-flops? I understand wearing them to run out to the store or something--but 80% of the guys I went to college/go to law school with wear the same pair of flip flops everywhere, every single day. It's disgusting. They also actually wear these things to go out. The same raggedy, crusty pieces of foam on a daily and nightly basis. Oh, they'll be sure to put on a Polo dress shirt and khaki shorts--only to top off the outift with moldy flip flops. Are you serious?

I mean honestly, who wants to see (and oftentimes have to smell) your rancid feet? Half these clowns have toenails you could dice an onion with. Few things are as repulsive as a hungover, hairy fat slob with big gnarly ass feet stumbling through the law school hallway.

And the shit of it is, some girls actually spend time around some of these chronic toe flossers!! Ladies, please wake up and smell the foot fungus. You're playing a direct role in perpetuating a truly nasty phenomenon.

I guess those torts cases really do happen in real life

I was driving on the interstate back to school from Big City the other morning when all of a sudden the car started shaking violently. I looked in the rearview mirror and it was like the thing was clamped in one of those industrial paint can mixers--I couldn't see a damn thing the mirror was shaking so hard. So I slowed from 80ish to about 75, when all of a sudden I heard a loud POP-BAAAAAAAA-THUMP THUMP THUMP and the car started doing things and making foreign noises and assorted thumps I really didn't quite like. Meanwhile I'm attempting to move over to the right side while 18-wheelers are blazing by at intergalactic speeds, leaving gusts that are tossing me all over the place as I clutch the wheel for dear life. I had become like the old hag on the bicycle flying around in the tornado outside Dorothy's window just before she turns into the Wicked Witch (den-de-den-de neh neh, den-de-den-de neh neh!).



Luckily I was fortunate enough to finally get safely over to the shoulder. I stopped the car, got out and took a look...

That's a real-deal blowout right there folks... Miraculously, I only missed one of my morning classes! Oh, and I'm also alive which is good and also somewhat miraculous.

The Job Search begins

So now that I've finished my first year and my first summer, I can start the interviewing process. The problem, as many of you know, is that to start the interviewing process, you have to be selected for the opportunity to beg for a job.

And it's tough to say the least, especially when every single interviewer's page in the career services database reads something like...

Required:
- Rank: Top 10%
Required:
- Law Review
- Moot Court

Hey, that's great! This on-campus interviewing thing seems like a terrific resource for the 15 people that actually fit these credentials. But for the other 400+ students frantically clawing around for next year's Summer Associate positions, this means lots of time spent writing emails and cover letters that are ignored, resumes that go directly to the trash, and staring at the ceiling imagining what the mother hell you're gonna do when you graduate law school and nobody will hire you.

And hey, new 2L Law Review members: BOO FUCKING HOO for you. So you're camping out in the library on Thursday night, missing a little bit of sleep. You get to brag to recruiters, even to your family. You DON'T however get to loudly "complain" about it in class. Congratulations, you got marvellous grades. The rest of us couln't give a fat tit about it because we're too busy being tortured by images of a future spent enforcing debt collection or doing real estate closings. But hey, check back with me in eight years when you have no one in your social or love life to help you spend the substantial wealth you've amassed.

Bitter? Motherfuckin right! I know it's only August, but SOMEBODY GIVE ME A FUCKING INTERVIEW!!!

Back in the saddle

After three months of actually working a real lawyerly job in nearby Metropolis, I'm now back in the exact same spot I was a year ago. Back to the classrooms, books and cases of legal academia, back to the same apartment in the same humid town, with the same smells that I can now once again detect (since I've been away from this place for so long, certain everyday scents that were previously stored in my smell cache have expired, with the result that today I'm taken back to this time last year when I sat in here awaiting my first day of law school orientation).

However, there is of course one crucial difference from last year--that being the fact that I'm not anxious and uncertain about what's in store. I'm not worried about grades, I'm not concerned about who my classmates are and how they'll receive me. All that stuff has since run its course.

I am, however, concerned about the fact that three summer months of leaving your A/C off apparently renders it incapable of working properly. In the seven hours since I've been back, w/ the air on full blast, the temperature in here has actually risen from 87 to 89. I suspect a conspiracy by the power company. They clearly noticed my dramatic dropoff in kilowatt hours and sabotaged my central heat and air in some sort of spiteful recourse.

Anywho, I'm officially back on the blog circuit, I and have plenty of catching up to do, so I promise not to slack like I did over the summer. Yes, I'm back. It's hot as tits, but here we go, on with year numero deuce!

Fucking great.