Thursday, January 10, 2008

My Fellow Americans,

This is called a "roundabout:"

It is a very simple traffic tool that promotes efficient travel by auto-mo-bile. It has had great success in virtually every other country in the Western world, so I assure you they do in fact work when used properly. However, since some of you more brain-dead amoebas cannot seem to master the intricacies of this simple engineering device (e.g. the circle), I have laid out a few brief guidelines that will surely aid you the next time you approach one.

1) "Yield" is not the same as "Stop." You should have failed your driver's test for not knowing the difference. If no cars are coming, DON'T STOP AND WAIT FOR ONE TO ARRIVE. Instead, just proceed into the roundabout.

2) Once inside the roundabout, DON'T EVER STOP. The beauty of this concept is that those inside the circle keep moving, thus allowing them to swiftly reach their exit while also allowing those approaching it to enter safely and quickly. They will yield to you (for more details on this, please refer to point no. 1). If you stop, you are an idiot and you will cause a wreck in which you may suffer head trauma and, against all odds, actually become more of an idiot.

3) Never use a roundabout as a means for turning completely around and heading back from whence you came. Once an entering motorist sees you pass two exits, he will assume (and quite reasonably so) that you are exiting at the third, and he will pull into the roundabout. If you collide, he may be liable for failing to yield, but you're still the idiot and everybody will know so, including God.

1 comment:

Wes said...

I love roundabouts.
I hate people who insist on yielding to traffic entering to the right (and thus traveling away from them). I once honked at someone for doing this and he angrily rolled down his window and pointed at the yield sign. His stupidity hurt my view of humanity.