Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Moron of the Week: Special Inaugural 2-part Edition!!!

Today I'm beginning what will be a new quasi-weekly feature highlighting the asinine. For my first installment, I present to you a couple of easy targets:

We have Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy (not Kobe, but the short cracker next to him). Vick, of course, you know as indicted (and soon to be convicted) canine coliseum promoter/dog killer (and piss-poor quarterback) extraordinaire. Donaghy is an NBA referee who has just pled guilty to fixing point spreads in games he officiated in order to satisfy his mob gambling debts. Aside from the fact that they're both degenerates, they also have one thing in common: trying their best--and succeeding--to throw away a cushy dream career involving no actual work. Well done gentlemen!

However, Vick is by far the biggest moron here. Here's a guy who came from nothing, but was handed the world because of his innate athletic ability. So you get to the NFL, the city and its NFL franchise immediately embraces you, and you're filthy ass rich. Despite the fact that your intelligence level is embarrasingly low, or that you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a football, you are nonetheless loved by all.

The world has been handed to you! All you have to do in return is lift weights, learn plays, and use your brain sometimes.

But then what kind of moron would you be? Instead, you took the road of the embicile. Let's review a few of your escapades:

- Using the alias "Ron Mexico" on an STD test. Way to sneak below the radar there.
- Settling a civil suit brought by some ho-ho to whom you probably gave herpes
- Getting caught with a stolen watch at an airport security checkpoint
- Smoking weed--and being photographed while doing it
- Trying to sneak a water bottle w/ hidden ganja compartment, also through an airport security checkpoint (because clearly a man with a $140 mil contract should risk his reputation by trying to hang onto a $12.99 weed bottle)
- Admitting you stopped trying (excellent leadership decision) in the fourth quarter of a close game
- Shooting the bird at home fans when they rightfully booed horrendous passing performance no. 138
- Standing up the entire U.S. Congress, who had scheduled a special ceremony to honor your charitable contributions--then blaming AirTran, one of your corporate sponsors, for missing the flight
- Being related to your brother Marcus (okay, not technically his fault--but scoldworthy nonetheless)

Not to mention, in six years in the NFL, your QB skills have actually regressed. Yes, you are a spectacular runner with mind-blowing speed. Unfortunately that's about all you are, and an NFL QB must be much more--e.g. passing accuracy, ability to read a defense, good decision-making, and leadership abilities (see Manning, Peyton; McNabb, Donovan; Brady, Tom).

Nevertheless, despite your repeated off-field episodes and your mediocre QB skills, we gave you the benefit of the doubt. We stuck with you. We naively believed you when you said you were working hard, making the right decisions, and that you loved the Falcons and their fans. And now you've gone and been indicted (and at this point, all but convicted) of some pretty reprehensible, senseless, MORONIC stuff. You have officially snatched disgrace from the jaws of beloved stardom.

And as for you, Tim Donaghy, well, you're just a weasel. Vick may be guilty of being extremely dumb, but you connived to wreck the NBA, thereby toying with people's jobs and integrity, in order to line your pockets a little and fuel your gambling habit. You were making six figures, staying in nice hotels with comfy per diems, and shmoozing with star athletes--all for running around and blowing a whistle a few times a week. But that wasn't enough for you, because you're a sleazy slimeball! You are now going to federal prison, where you may or may not share a cell with a certain mentally challenged ex-quarterback.

Justice Moustache salutes you both for proving that people will always find ways to destroy terrific situiations for themselves. Enjoy your stays in the pokey!


angela said...

NBA refs make six figures? Jesus H. Christ. What the hell am I doing in law school?

The Grapist said...

What the fuck is Tim Donaghy?