Living the 3L dream

ATTENTION 1Ls--right now you may be freaking the fuck out about exams. That's natural. I'm not here to offer advice right now (although there are several other posts here that deal with that, such as this one) but I promise it gets much, much better.

Be glad you aren't graduating yet. The legal job market is in shambles right now and by the time you graduate things should be on an upswing (hell--they couldn't possibly get worse). I am living proof that the pressure of law school is virtually nonexistent after year two (and really, after your third semester). Look at my current situation: the MPRE is over (although there's a damn good chance I'll have to retake it in March). My Trial Practice class is over (we won our trial. Bitch.). My Pretrial Practice class is also over. I only have two exams--one on Dec. 9 and one on Dec. 16. So hang in there kids, it all gets better...

Of course, then you have entirely new concerns, like getting a job and passing the bar exam. But you have plenty of other things to worry about between now and then.

In the meantime, here's a pearl to keep you from completely losing any sense of humor you had before law school. (Pssssst: you'll need to find that sense of humor again for job interviews and summer positions!):

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_m an_submits_drawing.php


Oh yeah... did I mention I'll be in Costa Rica for Thanksgiving break? YEEKBONE!!!

Anxiety abounds

Tomorrow could (should) be one of the most glorious days in history. I'm poll-watching in a quasi-rural area in a traditionally red state so I'll be up at 5:30am, which I kind of regret already, but I had to so something to be a part of this one.

I'll also just be happy to have all this political diarrhea off the airwaves. Cheese and crackers I'm getting sick of this nonsense.

CHAAAAAAAAAAAANGE!!!

Fuckrockets!!! This is what happens when you have no class on Friday

No Friday class = Thursday nights of drinking.

Drinking = drunkeness = hunger, then home.

Drunk at Home = corndogs!

Unopened corn dog box + butcher knife (recently sharpened)


=

An Enthralling Update!

"My friends,"

I'm currently dividing my time between class (2-3 per day, none on Fridays), catching up on the entire first 3 seasons of "Heroes," battling my dog for the best spot on the couch, staring at the ceiling in my apartment, drinking beer and gin & tonics, and playing Tiger Woods and Mario Kart on Wii.

Also, a little gem to share. In my trial practice class last week, a guy who had his criminal defendant client on direct, and was supposed to be advancing a theory of self-defense, proceeded to ask her "so tell me, then Ms. Williams: what did you then do with the murder weapon?"

On a more important note, John McCain and Miss Dumbass are frantically panicking on a sinking ship, and it's beautiful to see this country choosing a leadership duo in Obama / Biden that recognizes it does in fact matter that there are other countries in the world--quite a few of them, in fact--and that it's probably not a bad idea to try to get along with them.

bleh.

I have no excuse. I have an embarrassingly light, easy schedule and (praise Jesus!) a job lined up. I have so much free time it's obscene. In fact, I should really be writing three times as much as I have the past two years. Is it possible that I've become so lazy that I'm actually putting off procrastinating?

One thing I do know is that Sarah Palin is so stupid it's scary, and John McCain always looks to me like somebody's drunk, rambling great uncle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'll be getting revved up again this week. Until then, enjoy this gem from Flight of the Conchords.

Fun with Vanity Plates

Everyone knows that "vanity plate people" are a special breed of idiot. It takes an almost unfathomably inflated sense of self-importance for someone to actually put a message about himself on his license plate.

The good thing is that a vanity plate also serves as an instant warning that the person behind the wheel has the driving skills of an autistic blindfolded lemur, due largely to the fact that they feel the road is their own personal space and you are merely an unwanted guest there.

Driving down the highway the other day, however, I saw one that really twisted my brain. At first glance I thought perhaps it belonged to a female porn star, or maybe just a slut, or perhaps someone who just enjoyed being kind to others. As I drove by, however, I saw that it was a frail Indian kid leaning back in full douche regalia--sunglasses, spiked hair that could pop a volleyball, unbuttoned dress shirt (w/ standard gold chain), and of course, cellphone glued to his face.

I promise you I'm not kidding, this is precisely what it said:


Now admittedly, I don't speak Hindi--it's entirely possible that this means "Rich Playa Man" or something equally awesome in Bangalore.

Unfortunately for the cool customer showing off this plate, on the streets of America it means you are proudly announcing your desire (or ability) to diddle on the skin flute of every other male driver on the road.

Obviously this is just a big misunderstanding.

Batman actor Christian Bale arrested over assault allegation

This is clearly a lie.

Report: 'Batman' accused of assaulting mom, sister

LONDON — Batman star Christian Bale was to be questioned by police over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of his film, "The Dark Knight," British media reported Tuesday.

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.

Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday.

When asked Tuesday about the news reports, Scotland Yard said it was investigating an allegation referred to it by another police force but refused to say whether the incident involved Bale.

The Sun newspaper said police did not question Bale on Monday because they did not want to interfere with the premiere.

Bale's U.S.-based representatives did not immediately return messages seeking comment. Phone calls to Bale's London representative were not unanswered. [were not "unanswered?]

"It's Friday [the 13th], I'm in Love"

I recently saw the Cure. They were sensational of course, but cripes--Robert Smith is not aging well. In fact, he bore a frightening likeness to someone you may recognize:

Easily the Best Summer Associate Perk I've Heard Yet

Holy shite. As if it weren't enough that these fucks get paid $3k/wk even though they haven't even graduated yet, now there's this.

Yes, I'm jealous. Fucking bastards.

In honor of gay pride week: A Case Study in Gender Ambiguity

Man or woman? Methinks I spy the beginnings of a soul patch, but there's no way this is a dude. Then again, it couldn't be a girl. I'm truly at a loss.

Moron of the Week: Classic eBay Degenerate

You know the grown man who rides your ass when you're going 12 mph over, and then you see him in the rearview mirror flailing his arms, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming? Well I just had a fun exchange with him on eBay. Here's the actual copy of the emails--I shit you not, I did nothing to provoke this maniac--with a few of my own bracketed comments added in.

Enjoy!

--

Hello, I'll meet you and give you $120 cash for the tickets. Let me know if you can't get rid of them. Thanks!

-

NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. WE DON'T DO OFF-EBAY DEALS, AND WE DON'T ASK FOR BEST OFFERS. APPARENTLY YOU'RE A HALF.COM OR CRAIGSLIST CUSTOMER WITH LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR EBAY RULES--NOT TO MENTION, YOUR OFFER OF LESS THAN HALF OF ASKING PRICE, AND NOT EVEN FACE IS A RIDICULOUS JOKE! WE'VE FORWARDED YOUR EMAIL TO EBAY TRUST AND SAFETY DEPARTMENT IN HOPES OF YOU LEARNING A LITTLE OF HOW THE FAR LESS ARROGANT LIVE **[where did "arrogant" even come from??]. YOU'RE IN IT FOR YOU, SO DON'T LIE ABOUT HELPING ANYONE OUT OF THEIR TICKETS [I didn't], YOU SURELY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF. THE PRICE IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, AND IF WE CHOOSE TO GIVE THEM AWAY, IT WILL BE TO CHARITY LIKE WE ALWAYS DO----HEARD OF THAT? (OF COURSE NOT!) QUIT WASTING MY TIME!

-

Wow... Overreact much? Take a breath and grow up. An ethics lesson from a ticket scalper--now I've seen it all! I would suggest some serious psychological counseling.

Don't bother responding, I didn't read the first blabbering novel you sent. Also, your caps button seems to be stuck--but it sure makes you seem tough and scary. I'd wager dollars to doughnuts that you have a "W--still the president" sticker right above the vanity plate on your '94 Camaro.

Good luck selling your tickets for twice face value... The show isn't even sold out.

--

I USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M LEGALLY BLIND [oh, please] AND I CAN ALMOST READ IT---NOW IS THERE SOME REASON WHY EVERYTHING IN YOUR WORLD IS ALL ABOUT YOU? [where does he get this stuff?] WHAT A SELF-DELUDED ARROGANT FUCK YOU ARE! $280 ISN'T WORTH THE BOTHER, AND BOTTOMLINE, IT TRULY WAS MORE THAN YOU COULD AFFORD ANYWAY [wait--which one of us is arrogant again?], AND I ENJOY GIVING TO THE POOR. I DIDN'T OVERREACT [really?], I ONLY RESPONDED TO SOME BEGGING ASS BITCH WITH A TRAILER TRASH OFFER. IT'S THE SHIT LIKE YOU THAT MAKES EBAY A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR THE REST OF US, AND I'LL RESPOND ALL THE FUCK I WANT, GOT ME BITCH? [Complete psychological breakdown in 3... 2... 1...] THE LAST THING IN LIFE YOU WILL EVER BE IS MY SUPERIOR, UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S ANY MORE OF YOUR PSYCHOBABBLE! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE? IF I NEED ANY MORE OF YOUR OPINIONS, I'LL WIPE THEM OUT OF THE CRACK OF MY ASS! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE YOU ARE!...........AND BY THE WAY, IT WAS CONDESCENDING BASTARDS LIKE YOU WHO VOTED W IN TWICE TO BEGIN WITH! NOW IT'S MY TURN TO DISMISS YOU, I'LL BE DELETING WHATEVER SHIT YOU SEND FROM NOW ON, AND ALL YOU EBAY CRAP HAS BEEN BLOCKED AND BARRED FROM THIS AFTERNOON [really?...]. JUST PISS OFF AND GO AWAY!

--

This is fantastic! Keep it up, my entire office is in hysterics reading these forwards.

And speaking of forwarding emails, I think I'll let eBay have a gander at this one. Ticket scalping AND junior high-level profane insults? Saying you aren't too bright would be the understatement of the century.

You are a very sad little man and thinking about your life makes me depressed. Unfortunately for our relationship, I have a real job so I'm through responding. I do however encourage you to keep it up on your end as you check every thirty seconds to see if some fool is dumb enough to pay double face value for a show that isn't even sold out.

PS. I found a pair of tickets two rows behind yours for $30 each. Have a nice life!

--

JUST DON'T GET THE LEVEL OF ARROGANCE YOU PROJECT TO OTHERS, DO YOU? BUT I BET ALL THE LAUGHING OFFICE PEERS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT AN ASS YOU ARE! YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO EVERYTHING, YET YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO NOTHING ! CONFUSED, CONDESCENDING, ARROGANT, PROBABLY LEXUS DRIVING SELF-CENTERED BASTARD---I REALLY DO FEEL SORRY FOR A SPECK OF A MAN LIKE YOU...PATHETIC REALLY THAT YOU EVEN THINK I'D GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING YOUR BEGGING ASS HAS TO SAY--I DON'T, YET IT IS YOU WHO BEGS STRANGERS TO PAY FOR YOUR GOOD TIMES--I'M SURE YOUR FAMILY'S PROUD, BUT YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE SOMETHING ELSE, SAD REALLY! AND BY THE WAY, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE IRONICALLY ENTERTAINING, I RETIRED 8 yEARS AGO AND I CAN EASILY BUY AND SELL YOUR ARROGANT ASS LIKE THE POCKET CHANGE YOU ARE-THE MOST COMICAL PART OF THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE----NOW YOU REALLY DO NEED TO PISS OFF AND GO AWAY, YOU HAVE CEASED BEING LOW-BROW ENTERTAINMENT LITTLE BITCH!

[Apparently I hadn't actually ceased being low-brow entertainment for him, because I stopped responding, but he kept it up anyway]:

AND ONE LAST THING, I'M LEAVING FOR A 10AM TEE-TIME AT [local golf course--I can only imagine the meltdowns this guy must have out there], SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO CLICK EVERY 30 SECONDS TODAY AS YOU SO FALSELY ASSUME, SO GET BACK TO WORK AND SAVE THE DIATRIBE. WE'LL BE LEAVING TOMORROW MORNING FOR WIMBELDON WEEK, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO BANTER ABOUT WITH MY GRANDSON [Sweet Moses, a grandson???] IN MY ABSENCE WHILE YOU'RE STILL AT WORK. YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST A HOBBY [yeah, I hear ticket scalping is really catching on with the retired crowd these days], AND TWICE FACE IS CALLED KEYSTONE IN A RETAIL OPERATION AND IS USUALLY THE DESIRED MARKUP TO ACHIEVE [and with event tickets, it's called "illegal"], AND I AM JUST SO SURE THAT YOUR PLACE OF BUSINESS OPERATES AS A NON-PROFIT ENTITY [what does this even mean?]! AGAIN, WHAT A SCHMUCK YOU ARE! TORREY PINES 2 WEEKS AGO, WIMBELDON THIS WEEK, THE BRITISH OPEN MID JULY, NEED I GO ON, OR DO YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK [the only good point made in four emails]? IF I'M NOT PLAYING GOLF, I'M AT THE BOAT ON THE LAKE OR THE ONE IN KEY WEST [what is this, a Puff Daddy song?], SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO PISS OFF LIKE YOU WERE TOLD NOW [I actually stopped writing after your last email, genius]? AND PLEASE, LET EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE READ THIS, THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU, DUMBASS, NOT WITH YOU [I'd hazard a guess that this is not correct]!!!

--

A question for everyone here

If you end up (or endED) up receiving and accepting an offer at the end of your second summer, how will / did it affect you 3L life? My schedule next semester is already fantastic (all req blocks out of the way; no class on Fridays), and my class ranking is more or less set in a good place. If I have a job lined up I can't imagine I'll be working very hard.

Thoughts?

Supreme Court rules death penalty unconstitutional for child rapists

Which prompted a huge sigh of relief from this guy:

List of people you don't want representing you if you're facing a life sentence

Number one on the list is this guy. This is actually the final video of a four-part series on Youtube. It's unbefuckinglievable how long this judge allows this to languish on (I think the first clip starts at around 10:30 or so). I'd venture to say 95% of judges would put an end to this nonsense within the first 90 seconds.

Nevada, I present to you your tax dollars at work!




Sweet holy Moses I can't even imagine how the client must feel during this floundering ordeal.

You really should only eat oxycontin in months that end with "R"

I'm all for not jumping to conclusions about people solely on the basis of their physical appearance.

That being said, I could have taken one look at this guy and told you he was a fuckin criminal.

Restaurant owner accused of selling drugs with oysters

Charlie's Original Oyster King on South Main Street in Acworth serves up hot dogs, sandwiches and oysters made all kinds of ways.

But Acworth police say long-time owner Charles Lanzo was also serving up drugs and moonshine. He had some weapons on the side.

Lanzo and his wife, Frances, were arrested Tuesday after an undercover investigation that lasted several months, said Police Chief Michael Wilkie
Frances Lanzo was charged with illegal possession of drugs. When she was arrested police found five Alprazolam pills on her. The prescription drug is sold as Xanax and is used to treat depression.

Charles Lanzo was charged with felony possession of Ecstasy and Oxycontin and felony intent to distribute marijuana and cocaine. He was also charged with felony weapons possession.

Lanzo was charged with possession of non-taxed distilled spirits, a misdemeanor, for the 10 mason jars of moonshine found at the restaurant.

"It appears that Mr. Lanzo was selling a little bit of everything in addition to his oysters," Wilkie said. "We've heard complaints about this for quite some time, and we were finally able to successfully make a case against him."

When police raided the restaurant, they found 2.5 pounds of marijuana. Acworth Detective Mark Cheatham said the marijuana is worth about $1,500.

Police also found one "small teal green pill" of Ecstasy, 7 grams of cocaine, and several Oxycontin pills, according to the arrest warrant. Police also seized $16,000.

Two rifles, a Remington Model 700 .308 and Marlin 30-30 carbine lever-action, and two Smith and Wesson semi automatic handguns, a 9 mm and 22 caliber, were found in a bedroom located inside the restaurant.
The couple were released on bond.

"I was at a meeting the other night, and a long-term resident in Acworth made the comment to me that they always wondered how he was able to stay in business so long with so few cars ever parked out there," Wilkie said. "Now, we know the secret, I suppose."

According to the restaurant's Web site, Lanzo and his wife have operated the Oyster King for 15 years.

Acworth Mayor Tommy Allegood, who has lived in the city for about 12 years, said he doesn't know the owners.
"He's not a member of the Acworth Business Association," Allegood said.

The restaurant is open for business. A man who answered the phone Thursday and said he was Lanzo declined to comment.

The Web site tripadvisor.com has one review of the restaurant posted.
The review, dated Feb 10, says "The oysters were fantastic, although scraped off the bottom of Allatoona, you have to get past that."

R. Lee Ermey teaches a High School class

Okay, so maybe this guy took it a little too far, but does he really need to be charged with terroristic threats? Hell, he already quit his job!

And given the situation, and the punks these poor teachers have to deal with these days, can you really blame him? If we had more teachers like him maybe we wouldn't have the dumbest ass kids in the state.

Explanation re: recent slacking in my macking and slippin in my pimpin

Faithful readers, I apologize for the weakness lately. Things are happening, but just as Fawkes commented below, I can't afford to get fired so no blogging at work. That said, I'll try to pick it up some.

As for the future, my schedule next semester is a joke, which will provide plenty of opportunities to spew forth my twisted and obnoxious views. Please, I beg you, bear with me!

Godspeed,

Moustache, J.

WHAT'S! MY! NAME!? Apparently it's written across your rear windshield

Without a doubt, the most shocking element of this story: DMX lives in fuckin Phoenix?

I didn't even need to go to law school to know this was effin stupid

But apparently this kid didn't realize it... along with 100 other San Diego State frat boys. I haven't posted one in a while, but this just screams Moron of the Week... congratulations, Kenny--whoever you are--on resurrecting the prestigious award!

These guys nailed it

Given my previous tirade against Criss Angel's dumb ass "magical" mind freaking, this video simply must be posted... enjoy.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

no caption needed

A Typical day in life during law school finals

FIRST SEMESTER

- wake up to alarm clock promptly at 7:00am, eat breakfast, drink coffee, pore over outlines and class notes all morning. Go to gym in afternoon to relieve some stress, come home, resume studying. Meet with classmates to go over outlines and and anxiously predict what problems we may have on the exam. In bed by midnight the night before the test, but too nervous to get good sleep.

SECOND SEMESTER

- wake up to alarm clock at 9am, eat breakfast, study, maybe go to gym later. No meeting with classmates, because that proved useless last semester, but frequent calls to one another to discuss or clarify certain points.

THIRD SEMESTER

- wake up around 10, play around on the internet, make sure there's nothing good on TV. Study on and off all day; sleep fine.

FOURTH SEMESTER

- wake up at some point, play around on internet, watch Sportscenter, maybe a Netflix movie. Play Tiger Woods Golf. Have outlines open on computer all day for conscience placation purposes, but minimal attention given. Check email and Facebook once every 5-10 minutes to see if anyone has a new status update. Bid on things on eBay, mainly just to have more things to check online. Calculate various grade combinations needed to maintain class ranking. Eat dinner, drink beer, watch baseball and basketball (it's okay, because the outlines are still up on my computer). Stuff face with Laffy Taffy. Regularly move cursor to awaken computer from sleep mode.

Hearsay is so incredibly gay

that is all

I sure hope this person found what they were looking for

Seeing the search terms people enter en route to stumbling across your blog is one of the main reasons for maintaining one. That being said, I'm not sure my blog would have helped this person out much:

This is why I don't bet on sporting events with real money

God bless Centsports for allowing me to entertain my gambling impulses for free, while also reminding me of what an absolutely atrocious prognosticator I am of all things sports.

To facebook or not to facebook?

One of the first things they told us in 1L orientation was to delete our online social network profiles. They must have known that then we wouldn't (after all, then what the hell would we do in class), because the next thing they said was to at least put them on restricted viewing... or at the very minimum, clean up all content to a level you wouldn't mind a potential employer seeing.

So this cautionary direction came to mind when I sat at my computer earlier tonight deciding whether or not I should send friend requests to the associates at the summer firm I'm working for. The very first alert that shot up in my mind was ABSOLUTELY NOT--ARE YOU FUCKING DEMENTED. But the more I thought about it, the more I was tempted. What would I gain from doing this? Just about nothing. And despite the obvious fact that I don't want people gathering around a computer tomorrow laughing at pictures of me lying on the floor with a watermelon on my head, I still kind of think it seems like a good idea.

Apathy abounds

My first exam is in less than two weeks. I have two 20 page papers due next week. Try as I might, I just don't care. I've tried hard to care. I can't.

This time last year I was cranking out outlines, poring over Nutshells, making stacks of flashcards. That is not happening now. It certainly doesn't help that I already have a job.

Tell me other people did this as 2Ls... this is normal, right?

Reasons why people should incur a lifetime Facebook ban

Missy McClanahan can't believe she has to wait all the way until September to become Mrs. David Taylor!! I WUV U WIDDLE BIDDLE POOKIE BUNNY!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

Josh Jones is da rubbaband man wild like the Taliban, 9 in my right, 45 in da other hand!

The Turbo Moustache

By Jove, my mastery of most things alcohol has led to another divine creation! The following recipe makes about two large drinks. Behold my glory in liquefied form--the Turbo Moustache:

1) Brew four cups of coffee, double strength (since it will be diluted w/ ice and other garnishments). It helps, of course, if the coffee doesn't suck.*
*I use Grounds for Change. I was given a subscription last year as a gift, and it's downright delicious.

2) Turn the maker off as soon as the brew cycle is over. While the joe is still warm, add:

- 1 tsp sugar (or Splenda); or more/less to taste (keep in mind the Kahlua will be sweet too)
- 1 1/2 Tbsp hot chocolate mix
- 1/3 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

3) Close the lid and swirl together until dissolved, and toss the pot in the fridge. Once it's cooled down (the colder the better), bring it back out (swirl again before making the drink).

4) Fill a tall glass with ice, 1/3 Kahlua, almost the rest of the way with the coffee, and top with cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Feeling crazy? Yeah you are, you crazy fuck. In that case, add a nip of scotch when you add the Kahlua... Just don't blame me when this nice weeknight study pick-me-up turns into a shameful boozefest.

Of course you can also make this during the day w/o the alcohol as a refreshing summer alternative to a hot ass cup of coffee. Stepping out into the stiflingly humid 80-degree morning with a scalding hot beverage just isn't as enjoyable as it sounds.

Damn you to hell, Moola.com

I just got savvy to this site yesterday, and the games are downright infuriating. I'm not so good with the numbers games (I am in law school, after all), so when I lose a very uncomplex mental battle like "Gold Rush" to somebody named "SouthAL_hswife" or "Jenny1994," it's for good reason, although nonetheless aggravating.

These "cheats" for Hi/Lo and Gold Rush are only marginally helpful. However, even when you win a few rounds, the luster of playing a simple and repetitive online game for 45 minutes, only to end up with a whopping 11 cents, wears off rather quickly, especially when you have to wait through a fucking 20-second ad before every single round.

The result of all this? I'm sticking with CentSports, which is 195% phenomenal.

the World Wide Want

The amount of time and money I spend on ordering things from online merchants is becoming problematic.

PROS

1) You can get anything you can imagine at the best existing price;

2) It's a great cure for boredom and a conduit for procrastination;

3) Knowing something is coming in the mail gives you something to look forward to.

CONS

1) ending up with a bunch of shit you don't really want, need, or have the space for;
(example: $50 on sheets from Overstock.com)

2) 70% of the time, the thing I buy fails to meet my hyped-up expectations;
(example: $25 on PS2 game from Half.com)

3) shipping charges are an absolute scam;

4) I'm almost broke.

Here's an unbelievably poignant example of a piece of absolute garbage on which I threw away my money:

5-Day Weather Forecaster from Brookstone

With the unbelievable after-Christmas price of $35, who could resist! Anyone who had ever seen one in person, that's who. This thing fucking sucks. I say this in all complete sincerity--I could open the window and tell you the temperature outside and my guess would be 10-15 degrees more accurate. Again, I'm really not kidding. On most days, the temperature never even comes within the "hi / lo" range displayed on the screen.

It tells you it's thunderstorming outside when there's not a cloud to be found, and vice-versa.

Lesson: I could have spent 8 bucks on a window thermometer at Target and gotten what I was looking for.

Why do these people exist?

You know those degenerate pieces of brainless societal sludge who ride right up on your ass on the interstate, even when you're not in the left lane and you're going 10 mph faster than the speed limit? And then they weave in and out of traffic (with no turn signal of course), forcing everybody else on the road to swerve or slam on the brakes?

Well, one of them just murdered four people, including a woman and her 13-month old baby, and sent more to the hospital with life-threatening injuries... then he sped off to safety, completely unscathed, and had to be tracked down by police two days later. Yes, I used the word "murdered," because this kind of asinine driving shows a complete disregard of the serious risk it poses to everyone else.

There's a good chance at least one more person (a father) will die in the hospital: "one family devastated by the crash was wrestling with a heart-wrenching decision on Wednesday: whether to start planning a joint funeral now or to hold off in case another family member dies."

His lawyer's contention?

"My client was driving, and he was hit in the side of his vehicle. He spun out of control and basically was unaware that such a collision had occurred, and what happened after it."

Translation: my client, an innocent victim and model driver, was (unbeknownst to him, apparently) hit by some awful person, and then spun out of control in the middle of the freeway without any knowledge of having hit anyone else. He then rode safely and merrily off, blissfully unaware that anything had happened.

Wow. If that's the best line Lionel Hutz has in his bag of criminal defense tricks, this one looks pretty bleak for this worthless piece of crap. They're gonna LOVE his young, fresh 20-year old face in the state penn!!

Reckless driver kills four, hospitalizes more

Petfinder.com

With the insane number of dogs out there for adoption in every shape, size, color, and breed you could possibly imagine, I am a staunch advocate against buying one from a breeder. It blows my mind that people will actually choose to pay, for instance, $1000 or more for a yipping 3-lb rat dog.

I've been considering getting a[nother] dog for quite a while now, and whilst searching for something to keep me from studying last night, I stumbled upon this little guy. The wheels are in motion...

Just a typical Saturday night

Thanks to the Grapist for this gem:

Dedication or constipation?

Sheriff: Woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years; didn't want to leave bathroom

NESS CITY, Kan. — Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years--so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said of the bathroom incident. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Podcasts

I've had an iPod for the better part of this century. It's an amazing little device and I love the hell out of it. Which is why I am flabbergasted that I just now discovered the vast universe of podcasts.

I always knew they existed, but I didn't really expect that there was anything I'd be interested in. I remember checking them out about four years ago, when they were still a budding young technological phenomenon, and all that I found were a few esoteric lectures on the state of Latin American politics and other issues about which I could not possibly care less.

But last night, while entrenched in one of my greatest procrastinatory episodes ever, I sat in front of the computer desperately scrambling for another online game or website to keep me from actually doing real work, and I ventured into the podcasts section of the iTunes store.

It was wondrous. There's something on every damn topic imaginable! You can get every daily ESPN show, NPR shows and interviews, famous speeches, deejay mixtapes, and history lectures. There are also weekly trivia podcasts. Of course, 75% of the categories I encountered consisted of such titles as "Master Slovenian in just one podcast!" but there are plenty of gems in there for anyone's downloading pleasure. A few of the... ehem, 19 that I downloaded:

- Plato: The Republic
- History of Rome
- Stones Throw Records: J-Rocc remixes
- Byzantine Rulers
- Some conversation w/ Justice Ginsburg (this should be good for my recent bouts of insomnia)
- NPR Science Friday: How Old Is the Grand Canyon?
- The "What-ifs" of 1066 (yes, the year 1066)


Looking back over this list, it actually doesn't seem as exciting as I celebrated at the beginning of this post. But fuck it, they're all free, so...

This... is... SPECTACULAR

Play the best video game ever created, here, online, for free, nothing to download, no strings attached...

Alcohol sometimes makes me mean

Eh, sorry about the last post... I considered deleting it altogether, but then I decided I should have to be punished by seeing it every time I visited the page, and also that it would encourage me to post more in order to knock it further and further down.

And a couple of you made some good points there. It also wouldn't make much sense to bitch and rant about not getting comments then delete a comment-inducing post.

It is good to know there are some of you out there checking in every now and then, so now I feel motivated to write more useless nonsense. Yeehaw!

Greetings, cunts!

to hell with you all. i get 70-100 unique hits a day but no comments?

i'm shutting down until further notice. it's been real, but genius should be rewarded, and if you can't hang then you don't deserve this kind of brilliance. i have enough shit to do without providing amusement for whores who show no appreciation.

adios you ho-hos!!!

What ESPN2 really stands for

Exclusively Showing Poker Nonfuckingstop (well, with a 2 on the end I guess).

damn you and damn your lame ass poker. I've been over this before. Why is this on television?!? Yes, I know it's because there is a large market of jacktards out there who have nothing better to do than to watch other people play a fucking card game on TV. And quite frankly, that kind of makes me want to go drink a gallon of sulfuric acid.

Vital news from the front lines

The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently on his second tour in Iraq...

I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine’s Day. I had to endure several judging looks from the platoon for a while thanks to those care packages last year. Although, to go on a tangent, they were put to good use. The dildo ended up getting used as an ‘alarm clock’ by the Battery Gunnery Sergeant on Sergeants and Corporals that slept too long and for beatdowns for a couple of Marines’ birthdays. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Marine get tackled by a group of his buddies and beaten senseless by a giant dildo. In the end I snuck the beast into the bottom of one of the Sergeant’s bag’s prior to leaving post, the current location remains unknown.

As for the gay porn, I was able to hide it in the flak jacket of one of my infantry buddies in the space between the armor plate and the Kevlar vest in the front armor pouch. This cracked me up for a while and then I ended up getting really worried. Internal dialogue: “Holy shit, what if he ends up getting shot and killed? What if the parents receive the body and have to ask themselves, ‘What kind of weird shit was my son into?! I love my son, I love my dead, gay son!’” Yes, I become a much simpler creature while on deployment. So much for that Philosophy degree.

Tell the world my story

Well friends, I fear this may be the end. What began as a pestering sore throat has transformed over the course of a week into a full-blown case of a treacherous and likely fatal illness, probably acute tuberculosis, or typhoid fever, or some other perilous disease I had previously only heard about on Oregon Trail. In any event, my physical health and cognitive abilities are rapidly declining and my life has been reduced to a sad existence of isolation, shuffling around unshaven in my apartment in robe and slippers, groaning in agony and feebly grasping for the closest medication. I would love to sleep the whole thing away, but the voices in my head won't allow it. I imagine this is very much how Howard Hughes spent his dwindling final days, except that he didn't have a 16-page paper and presentation due next week. It's a good thing I'm a 2L now and therefore missing class and reading assignments doesn't really sound the panic alarm. In any event, I'm hopping in the Spruce Moose to fly to far away lands. Tell them all about me.

In case you were wondering

If you already have a sore throat, fever, and nasty cough, it's probably not a great idea to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, yell a lot, and take shots until 5am. Sure you feel great at the time, but three days later when you miss all your classes, haven't done any reading for the week, and are laid up on the couch at home whining like a baby ass bitch, you'll have only yourself and Joe Camel to thank for the pleasure.

At least I finally caved (after 18 months) and got internet service last week. That should really help me get crackin on these missed reading assignments...

Where does it end??

Well fuck. Why don't you just have me type the second verse of "Livin La Vida Loca" in Mandarin? I blame the Arabs, who all hate our freedom.

Things that should cease to be

1. Gym lame-os - Dude, it's bad enough that you actually choose to wear a wife beater every time you work out at the university gym, but constantly looking at yourself flexing in the mirror? Really?

2. Facebook guerrillas - STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO ADDING YOUR APPLICATIONS TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE! I do not want to help you with your next poker move, I don't want to join your virtual ninja club, and I sure as shit don't want to make every bit of information on my Facebook page available to the shady turds who create these ridiculous programs.

3. Mike Huckabee's Constitutional analysis - The fact that you actually said the Second Amendment is as important as the First should disqualify you from any further involvement in any level of politics whatsoever. You are an embarrassment to yourself, plus your wife looks like Bigfoot.

4. Dudes wearing flipflops in public on a daily basis - This is simply inexcusable and I'm campaigning to make the criminal punishment of such behavior a focus of the 2008 general election.

5. "America's Next Top Model" - As if it weren't bad enough that this abortion of reality television even exists, apparently it and its dumb ugly women are on television at all times. And would anyone really be that upset if Tyra Banks got hit by a bus? I submit to you that they would not.

6. R&B music. Is there anything worse than this whiny ear pollution? Sweet Moses this shit is awful. There is NO way anyone listens to this crap on purpose.

blah blahhgity blaaaah

Things are just peachy down here in I-give-so -little-of-a-fuck-about-law-school-now-it's-kind-of-becoming-
alarming Land. I really haven't been doing much work, but I figure as long as I keep up with the reading I'll be good to go.

Anywho, at the risk of being one of those ass-lazy bloggers who just posts YouTube videos all the time, I have here... well, another YouTube video. I promise it's worth a watch.

Hot damn, "The Dark Knight" looks good

At least Heath Ledger's final performance appears to be his best...

Simon's latest victim: aspiring American Idol Alberto Hurtado

This is a rare gem... Please, please watch it. I promise it's worth it.

"You are the equivalent of a storm cloud on a sunny day..."

No good deed goes unpunished

I'm not an idiot (well, not completely at least), and I realize that non-profit, not-for profit, etc. organizations, causes and charities rely on repeat donors in order to sustain themselves. It makes sense and I don't knock them for it.

However... there is a constructive way and a counterproductive way of doing this. For instance:

I give blood or platelets 3-4 times a year and have done so for the past 8 or so years. This is because I am the ideal image of philanthropy and a stalwart for humanitarianism. So when the Red Cross started calling me four times a week I tolerated it for a few months. But even Ghandi had his limits. I finally had to call and explain to them that as much as I support the cause, I don't particularly enjoy having my veins prodded and jabbed at and (eventually) opened by your undertrained and oft-incompetent blood collectors, and I think once every three months is generous enough and that moreover, I am nearly certain that Dracula himself would be less pushy about such collections. I felt somewhat bad about laying down my fist on blood solicitation but the Red Cross's guerrilla campaign left me with little recourse.

Another thing that really chaps my ass is when you open your checkbook to an organization (such as the Human Rights Campaign), and as a token of their appreciation they sell your info to other folks. I cannot even begin to scrape the surface of how unbelievably slimy this is. The most evil aspect of this scenario is that groups to whom you have "voluntary" disclosed your info are exempt from the no-call and no-mail lists.

Paging Dr. Phil to the Moron of the Week podium

As much as it pains me to give even more attention to the awe-inspiring nuclear meltdown that is Britney Spears, it also gives me an opportunity to trash the ridiculously self-serving and obnoxious goober- ishness of Dr. Phil. Howard Stern had some choice words about the good doctor on Letterman the other night, not the least of which was his pointing out the fact that a Ph.D. from North Texas (with a dissertation on arthritis) hardly qualifies the man as an expert on everybody else's personal business.
In any event, Phil blamed the media for exaggerating the story and implied that it's this kind of trashy journalism that made the washed-up star into what she is. Fair enough, but should Dr. Phil really be calling out anyone else for "trashy journalism?"
And FYI, Doc--while I'm sure your trip to the psychotic ex-star's hospital room was made out of sheer compassion for your fellow human being--the girl was already in a real medical facility, surrounded by real medical doctors... I think they had things about as under control as it was gonna get. If anybody should be on the case, it's the magnificent Jeff Van Vonderen from Intervention (who ironically looks frighteningly like you).

But then again, what the hell do those guys know anyways? After all, you are the almighty, all-knowing guru wielding a Ph.D. from North Texas. Who are we to doubt your greatness?

My Fellow Americans,

This is called a "roundabout:"


It is a very simple traffic tool that promotes efficient travel by auto-mo-bile. It has had great success in virtually every other country in the Western world, so I assure you they do in fact work when used properly. However, since some of you more brain-dead amoebas cannot seem to master the intricacies of this simple engineering device (e.g. the circle), I have laid out a few brief guidelines that will surely aid you the next time you approach one.

1) "Yield" is not the same as "Stop." You should have failed your driver's test for not knowing the difference. If no cars are coming, DON'T STOP AND WAIT FOR ONE TO ARRIVE. Instead, just proceed into the roundabout.

2) Once inside the roundabout, DON'T EVER STOP. The beauty of this concept is that those inside the circle keep moving, thus allowing them to swiftly reach their exit while also allowing those approaching it to enter safely and quickly. They will yield to you (for more details on this, please refer to point no. 1). If you stop, you are an idiot and you will cause a wreck in which you may suffer head trauma and, against all odds, actually become more of an idiot.

3) Never use a roundabout as a means for turning completely around and heading back from whence you came. Once an entering motorist sees you pass two exits, he will assume (and quite reasonably so) that you are exiting at the third, and he will pull into the roundabout. If you collide, he may be liable for failing to yield, but you're still the idiot and everybody will know so, including God.

A Glimmer of Hope for you Disgruntled 1Ls

Most of my grades are now in, and things are looking quite a bit brighter than they did at this time last year, to say the least. The main differences:

I learned how to study.
I learned how to write exams.
I'm no longer being graded against my 1L section (which, unlike the rest of the sections, was half composed of law review members).
Two of my classes had 3Ls as well, who apparently no longer care about exams.

I would like to point out to some of you 1Ls who may be disappointed with your grades that the first ever law school grade I received was a (and thankfully my only) C, at which point I began contemplating downing a large antifreeze martini. However, the grades got better as more came in, and second semester I raised my overall GPA two full points (on a scale of 99, not 4.0) to a respectable level. This semester I raised it even more and my class ranking is absurdly higher from the frustrating level at which I started out.

The point is that all the people who tell you your first semester grades "lock you in" to your class ranking for the remainder of law school are WRONG. That's ludicrous--it's ONE semester out of six--you do the math. I raised my ranking nearly 40% (and no more Cs). Law school exams are a learning experience, and it takes a round or two for some folks to get in their groove. Keep your head up!!